Tuesday 13 July 2010

The Farewell bit.......

I'm leaving Blogger after many happy years here.
Please follow me to my new Lilypad and continue to laugh at my stupidity and ridiculous stories. Do I make them up?
I couldn't possibly.
True life is funnier than fiction
Please come and visit me over at Wordpress

Old friends and farewells

Last week I got a train to London to meet up with John Lewis for their Christmas Showcase, it was fantastic.
The journey started off well, I jumped into my nice car and glided along the roads...lovely sunny morning I thought,land of 'All Things Bright & Beautiful' I'll not go down the dual carriageway to the train station, I'll take the scenic route.
I drove past the 'Purple Headed Mountain'.
Big Mistake.
Of course the scenic route out here is free of any other vehicles but once I got closer to Newport (shudder) I remembered why I like working from home.
The queues were enormous and I started to panic I'd miss my train.
Luck was on my side (along with the advantages of driving a V6 and having done a spot of motor racing in my youth) and I caught the train, found a quiet seat and snoozed and dribbled most of the way to London.
I was woken by occasional text messages from the teenager and phone calls from Darling Husband asking me where the girls pants were and if it's really necessary for socks to match these days.

John Lewis were fabulous hosts and their Christmas range is something to behold.
We had a fabulous lunch and I saw my lovely friend Potty Mummy (she's moved to Russia to avoid me - she says I can't take a hint).
If you look carefully at her photo above you'll see the white flecks are not dandruff but in fact fake snow being blown across the doorway to try and make it feel Christmassy even though it was hotter than the Gobi desert on the streets of London that day.

I got on the train to come back to Wales, my whole Christmas Shopping planned (well my list anyway)in my mind.
I suddenly was aware someone was snoring really loudly and as I listened more intently it dawned on me that it was me making that racket, and the poor young lady next to me was probably a bit fed up with it.
We went through a tunnel, which I assumed was the Severn Tunnel, so I straightened up, put my suit jacket on and made to leave.
'Are you getting off here?' asked the polite young lady (who was either deaf or v.patient)
'Yes, this is Newport isn't it?'
'Er no....we're just coming in to Bristol, Newport would be the other side of the water'
'Oh, yes..thanks for pointing that out'
So another day managing to make a fool of myself.
As I stepped from the train I discreetly checked my skirt wasn't tucked into my knickers (just in case).

Thursday 8 July 2010

Gently Does it...

Why I've woken up so early this morning beats me!
I feel so tired I don't know if my head is on the right way round!
I'm venturing out of the field this morning to go to London and I was looking forward to it, but this morning I have trouble looking at anything at all!
Even the dog (why is it in the house??) is unimpressed at my early rising.
I don't leave the field too often, Darling Husband misses me terribly when I do (nods to self convincingly) and I worry that he'll have a proper lunch (checks fridge for steak and sausages).
I've put the bread maker on, he'll be delighted at the noise this early...having nice floorboards throughout the house means it looks lovely, but every sound leaps forth into sleeping ears. Every tiny movement has an exagerated sound this early, no matter how gently I do it.
There was no bread flour in the cupboard so I had to go into the utility room to get some.... which means I had to open the creaky door with slightly broken latch that also sticks and clonks when opened.
I paused.. nah! no-one heard that... the dog frowned at me.
I frowned back... why is it in the house??
(My dog, Fruitcake is outside where dogs should be).
I stepped over the tent, dog, camping chairs and some unidentifiable objects that my lady-that-does has obviously given up on and got the bread flour (Waitrose you know, sniff) and brought it back into the kitchen.
Blimey! The teenager was 'cooking' last night while I was in my office, 'clearing' is not an ability she yet has I notice.
I have to get the scales out of the cupboard to weigh the flour...the cupboard that has a very strong magnet on, the cupbaord that makes a thunk noise when you open the door..bugger!
The kitchen scales were too far to the right and caught on the one closed cupboard door, the door caught the stainless steel slidey thing (that I use to adjust the weight) and made the sound of a Gatling Gun against the grooves marking each weight, while the metal dish on the top clanged to the floor!
I froze.
Did anyone hear that?
No sound from upstairs, except for perhaps the bristling with annoyance I sensed.
Hmm..perhaps a train before I get lynched would a good plan, where are my Jaguar keys?

Thursday 17 June 2010

Win some great prizes from Andrex

Those cute puppies have got my attention again with a fantastic new competition!
Win over £20,000 of prizes with Andrex®

Andrex, the nation’s favourite toilet tissue, this week launches a fantastic new Puppy promotion exclusively on Facebook.

Each of the 6,500 fans of the Andrex Puppy’s Facebook fanpage will have the chance to win one of thirty top prizes every day with a total value of over £20,000, simply by entering a fun competition.

Top prizes include Nintendo Wii Consoles, X-Box 360s, Sony Cybershot Digital Cameras, Nintendo DSi consoles, Sony Playstation 3s, gift vouchers up to the value of £150 from a number of retailers including Next, M&S and Tesco and much much more.

Smaller prizes also include money off coupons and Andrex Puppy goodies including pyjamas cases, hot water bottles, cuddly toys and slippers.

To enter, all fans have to do is play the new ‘Pup-o-matic’ game. Similar to a slot machine, the fruit symbols have been replaced with the Andrex Puppy and his ‘Soft’, ‘Strong’ and ‘Long’ friends that feature in the new Andrex advertising campaign – a chihuahua, a bulldog and a sausage dog. Matching dogs means prizes.

For a chance of winning, visit www.facebook.com/theandrexpuppy and enter. The competition runs until 5th July 2010.

Some interesting Facts, perfect for the next Pub Quiz:

Since the first puppy advert in 1972, there have been over 120 ads starring the Andrex® Puppy
24 rolls of Andrex® are being sold every second, making Andrex a £335 million brand

So go on and have a go, and if you win a super dooper prize, do share with the lovely Frog who told you about it!

Wednesday 9 June 2010

How much is too much?


If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Wednesday 2 June 2010

Only in Wales!

The English is clear enough to lorry drivers - but the Welsh reads "I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated."

When officials asked for the Welsh translation of a road sign, they thought the reply was what they needed.
Unfortunately, the e-mail response to Swansea council said in Welsh: "I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated".
So that was what went up under the English version which barred lorries from a road near a supermarket.

Swansea council got lost in translation when it was looking to halt heavy goods vehicles using a road near an Asda store in the Morriston area.
All official road signs in Wales are bilingual, so the local authority e-mailed its in-house translation service for the Welsh version of: "No entry for heavy goods vehicles. Residential site only".
The reply duly came back and officials set the wheels in motion to create the large sign in both languages.
The notice went up and all seemed well - until Welsh speakers began pointing out the embarrassing error.
Welsh-language magazine Golwg was promptly sent photographs of the offending sign by a number of its readers.

The sign was lost in translation - and is now missing from the roadside

Other confusing signs
"We took it down as soon as we were made aware of it and a correct sign will be re-instated as soon as possible."
The blunder is not the only time Welsh has been translated incorrectly or put in the wrong place:
• Cyclists between Cardiff and Penarth in 2006 were left confused by a bilingual road sign telling them they had problems with an "inflamed bladder".
• In the same year, a sign for pedestrians in Cardiff reading 'Look Right' in English read 'Look Left' in Welsh.
• In 2006, a shared-faith school in Wrexham removed a sign which translated the Welsh for staff as "wooden stave".
• Football fans at a FA Cup tie between Oldham and Chasetown - two English teams - in 2005 were left scratching their heads after a Welsh-language hoarding was put up along the pitch. It should have gone to a match in Merthyr Tydfil.
• People living near an Aberdeenshire building site in 2006 were mystified when a sign apologising for the inconvenience was written in Welsh as well as English.

Tuesday 18 May 2010

Possible new government strategies

Two funny things I've read today:

The House of Lords is a mad place. Men in frocks, men in tights, men in silly hats and wigs. Click here to visit the author Place Farm

I assume full responsibility for our actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.
Before I criticise a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
To err on the side of safety is to be human, to blame somebody else shows true management potential.
I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future.
Thanks to Martin Ford from UK Business Connections for this one.