Hilarity

This is without question the funniest thing I've read for a while.

Fruitcake - please see the Post Below

I feel the need to show you how lovely my small dog, Fruitcake, is.
See the post below to see why.

Never Work with Animals

First I would like to say a huge Thank you to Andy (also known as "Oy, you in the bushes") and Ken for staying up until 5.30 this morning working on my laptop to make it better.

My wonderful lady who 'does' for me left me a note saying:
"The vacuum cleaner's not sucking"........... ?!##!
I had to do a double take, I thought she'd really lost it this time and hadn't even bothered to finish the sentence. You see she hates our vacuum cleaner, with a passion. Darling Husband loves it, not that he uses it very often, come to mention it, neither do I.

Darling Husband was required to take it apart and sort it out, which he did with style and panache, if not a distinct odour of cattle.

We have had a love-hate relationship with the vacuum. When Fruitcake (my dog) first arrived she took a liking to the flex and chewed it into tiny pieces. I was furious, my 'lady' was delighted and brought her own hoover.
I picked up the iron to iron my daughters' school shirt. Fruitcake had chewed the flex into tiny pieces. I was furious, so was daughter number one. She had to go to school with her jumper on so no-one would see the creases and it was a very hot day.

I telephoned the local electrical appliance establishment and had a difficult conversation with a gentleman who was obviously a little hard of hearing.
"No, ROW-EN-TA, TA , yes"

He told me the parts would be in on Friday, OK, I worked out a system with my mother-in-law whereby I could use her iron for the school clothes, we’d manage just fine. Friday arrived and the telephone rang:
"I'm sorry but we are unable to locate any model iron made by the Heinz Baked Bean company, or indeed a Magimix Vacuum Cleaner and we're not clear what parts you need anyway". (grr!)
I politely, but, through gritted teeth explained the make and model vacuum I had, and the Iron I had, and that I needed electrical cables for both of them. The lady said she would put the order in and it would take another week. I wasn’t happy,why hadn’t they phoned me days before?
I suggested it would be more helpful if they employed some-one who wasn’t so hard of hearing to answer the phone.
She said:”he’s profoundly deaf”
I said: " well why is he answering the phone then?"
The sales lady curtly replied ”he is a member of staff and we cannot discriminate”.
My 'does' lady commented that it's lucky we only wanted the parts, the shop probably had a blind man doing repairs as well!

The following week I telephoned the shop, and yes, my parts had arrived and I said I would be in to collect them that afternoon. I walked into the shop and over to the customer service desk. The lady was chatting to some-one on the telephone, it sounded like a social call.
I waited patiently for a few minutes.
The lady didn’t look up or acknowledge my presence in any way.
I started feeling cross.
Two more customers arrived and stood behind me.
They too started getting cross.
The phone call ended and I explained I had come to collect the two flexes.
The lady said she would look in her book to find it.
She flicked through every page in a duplicate receipt book, licking her finger before turning every page.
“It’s not in this book, have we phoned you to say it’s here?”.
“ Yes” I said,” it’s just two flexes, surely some-one knows where they are? I did call to say I would be in this afternoon”.
“No, no, you don’t understand” she said, “if it’s here, it will say in the book. I’ll have to look in the book and see where it is and if it’s here, if it is here, it will be in the book” AGGGH!
She was saying 'book' so often, she started sounding like a chicken.

More page turning and finger licking, her chipped nail varnish was turning my stomach and I felt the urge to throttle her and then record it in the book.
She then picked up another book and turned every page in that one, the queue was getting very tetchy.
“Oh, here it is” , ahhh, a sigh of relief could be heard, almost felt.
She then stood up reached her arm out to the top of the filing cabinet next to her and picked up my electrical cables!!

I was speechless, all that fuss and self important bureaucracy and it was on the bloody filing cabinet next to her!

The second time Fruitcake ate the iron flex we went to a different shop in another town, but they lost the iron!
We now order the parts online and Darling Husband repairs the items just perfectly.(sigh!)

A Grand Day Out

We've had a day at the beach, me, my three girls, my Scottish friend and her two boys.
We were terribly eco-friendly, taking just our 7-seater Volvo, instead of spreading over two vehicles.
Daughter number one refused to go because the sea air makes vampires very huffy "and Mummy you really won't like if if I'm very angry"
Daughters two and three had busy making models and were still plastered in clay when they announced they were ready to go.
The milkman arrived, looking somewhat haggard and in need of strong coffee. I left him struggling to make coherent conversation with Darling Husband and went outside to find the inside of the car. I was amazed to find carpets on the floor and leather on the seats!! My goodness, it turned out to be blue as well! I was sure I would have enough rubbish to fill a dozen skips, yuck!
Our friends arrived all ready for a day trip. Daughter number one forgot she was in a strop and got in the car with everyone else.
We were off!
After 7 or 8 miles there was an expression of interest in throwing up from the very back. This meant a seat changeover, a sturdy plastic bag and a morale boosting chat with the other passengers that there were only a few more miles to go, well, not quite sixty miles actually.
We were off!
There was a quiet anticipation of vomit in the car and it was very pleasantly free of moaning. My friend and I sat happily in the front, enjoying the bright sunshine.
We reached roadworks on the M4, nightmare!
"Are we there yet?".....



On reaching our destination, all stomach contents intact, smiling faces, shouts of "I can see the sea!", the sun went in and it started to rain. Not to be deterred by the grim weather, the children quickly disembarked and grabbed a bag/basket each and tore down to the sand. I put on two jumpers and a jacket, bought 7 polystyrene cups of Hot Chocolates and followed suit.

The light was dramatic and beautiful, the rain stopped, the children dug holes and paddled in the rock pools. They built a huge sandcastle and got soaking wet. The tide suddenly seemed to be very close so everybody grabbed something and ran for the pebbly bits where the tide doesn't reach. "Has everybody got everything?" , we glanced around, confident we had all our belongings and legged it.

We opened our picnic, I had to confiscate the butter knife from my friend as it soon became very clear she was incapable in the spreading department, and we were soon all chomping happily on sandy sandwiches with added cheese and ham, hard boiled eggs and crisps.

We were happily munching, watching the tides swirling round the rocks we had just been sat on when daughter no. 1 shouted "Look, it's Jazzies boot!!"
There was one of her beautiful pink suede boots, floating on the incoming tide. Jazz was devastated that her boot was wet, and then even more so when she realised that she didn't have the other one. Daughter no. 1 rescued the boot, laughing at how daft her sister was. She looked around for her own boots, "OHMYGOD!! Mummy, where are my Converses??"
Another panic, we were now three items of footwear down, and had two very stroppy, upset girls on our hands demanding we left the beach immediately to buy new shoes.

I suggested we all calm down, and finish our picnic. Well what do you know, there was another pink boot floating in towards us HURRAY!! One daughter was restored to being perfect, the other now had smoke pouring from her ears and was about to spontaneously combust. The boys had wandered off along the beach in order to avoid the tantrums, the youngest one suddenly started screaming and yelling..oh, what now?? He'd found one Converse along the beach and he could see the other one trying to attach itself to a mans' foot. Brilliant!

We thought it best to leave immediately if not sooner, before any other calamity could come our way. Humour well restored and ice creams in hand we drove off, having thoroughly enjoyed our day. The journey home was speedy and stress-free, we just had to stop and fill up with Diesel on our return to Monmouth. (Have you seen how much it is??)

There is only one petrol station in Monmouth, it was packed with vehicles spilling out onto the road and there was a definite amount of stress building up because of the waiting, amongst the drivers.
The gentleman (I use that term very loosely) in front of us was in a 4x4.
He filled up with Diesel.
The car in front of him drove away leaving a nice big space (without Diesel on the pump).
We waited patiently.
The gentleman (again, loosely) locked his petrol cap (no-one does that anymore, come on!), rooted around in his vehicle for a while and then produced a petrol can.
He filled that up with Petrol.
We waited patiently.
He put the can back in his car and started to walk to pay for his fuel...I beep the horn and when he turned said, could you move up a bit so I fill up p...
"HAVE SOME PATIENCE!!" he yelled, dragged his door open and lurched his vehicle forwards.
I smiled and said "Thankyou", now I had a landrover and horse box behind me the queues were seriously building up.
I tried to put Diesel in my car, but it wouldn't work because Mr Happy had used the pump twice and they can't let you have any if two amounts are owning on one pump.
We waited patiently.
As soon as he'd started to pay I was able to start filling my car, the gentleman stamped out of the shoppy bit and shouted "See! You didn't get it any faster did you? AND, YOU could have pulled in front of me!!"
"There's no Diesel on that pump" I replied, "Dickhead!".
The man drove off, I pulled forwards out of courtesy for the next vehicle and paid for the outrageously expensive fuel politely and with terribly good humour.We laughed all the way home.
What a Grand Day out!

I've been very remiss and not thanked Elsie Button for my award, don't know why she thinks I'm funny..ppffftt!
It's the second one I've had from her, Thank you Elsie!


I've also been tagged (in a ladylike manner) by Dulwich Mum:

1. Pick up the nearest book.
2. Open to page 123
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag people, and acknowledge who tagged you.

Now DM wrote something quite risque and I felt somewhat shocked, I must say.
I picked up the nearest book thinking how boring mine would be in comparison, but, hey, I'm not so sure.

"This was a very impressive demonstration of raw power back in the early 1900s.
Pictured is Russell, a Giant being demonstrated with a bottom.
This bottom was lifted and dropped by the strong muscles of the two men riding."

Oh, hang on, I've noticed a few typo's, here we are, this is the quote...awfully sorry, innocent mistake to make...

"This was a very impressive demonstration of raw power back in the early 1900s.
Pictured is a Russell Giant kerosene-burning tractor being demonstrated with a 10-bottom John Deere plow.
This plow's 5 two-bottom units were lifted and dropped into the ground by the strong muscles of the two men riding the plow."

This quote is taken from "Genuine Value, The John Deere Journey" given to Darling Husband for his fortieth Birthday by our wonderful friend Vince Musi

I tag Elsie Button, Omega Mum, Sparx lets see how you do...

Toadal Chaos

The day promised to be an interesting one, but not in the way I had hoped.
Only two children were home ill, that was an improvement.
The sun was shining, but Darling Husband and I had had very little sleep. One little girl got in bed with us during the night and took up two thirds of the bed, thrashing about and coughing with perfect aim into our faces whenever possible.
The eldest daughter also got in bed with us, she's now the same size as me, and joined us on the remaining third of the bed...it was not the most comfortable night.
Why didn't one of us get out and get in their beds you ask? Couldn't move, just too tired.
Middle daughter skipped off to school, bouncy happily and giggling about something unknown to the general human race. I promised to take her lunch up to school as soon as the bread was made.
I had an hour long meeting here at 9.30, the cough monster had an appointment to see the doctor at 10.30 and Darling Husband was to have the pleasure of taking her in. He rushed off to look at all his pregnant cows and heiffers. I washed to utility room floor and all was going splendidly.
My 9.30 soon became 9.40, the milkman crept in and quietly made himself coffee. He looked at me suspiciously and asked the eldest daughter who I was talking to.
Darling husband whisked the sick one and eldest one out into the car and off to town (usually the car is as close to town as he likes to get).
My meeting finished bang on time, the phone rang ..
My brother in law asked me why I'd phoned him, "I haven't phoned you"..Oh.
The phone rang, "Mummy there's a cow calving right down at Rhd-y-go, and we can't get through to brother in law, can you find him as quickly as possible".
(huge sigh)
I rang brother in law back, he'd made like Elvis and left the building.
I ran outside to get in the car and find him...Darling Husband had the car, I considered the Landrover, but I'm not brave enough to open the door let alone sit in it anymore, I think it contains more topsoil and muck than half our fields.
I ran up the lane gracefully in my fuchsia Hunters and shouted 'calving trouble, taking your car' to my Mother in Law.
Brother in Law had disappeared, bugger!
I drove back to our house and abandoned the car in the middle of the lane, in complete panic.
Now, I really, really am Farmers wife in title only, I know nothing! I ran down the old lane towards where the cow was....she'd gone...double panic.
I looked across the valley at the nearest herd and saw one hiding in the bushes. That was her, munching away, quite happily, making no effort whatsoever to give birth, and she obviously was going to need pretty quick intervention.
I turned to go back up to the house and try and phone another brother in law, farmer friend, vet. My heart sank, the most direct route had an incline of 10ft in one, oh my goodness, it was steep. I felt like I'd conquered Everest and certainly looked as though I had by the time I reached the house. I made a heavy breathing phone call to another brother in law who immediately rushed to help.
Meanwhile a large van arrived outside with a delivery of particularly lovely plush finger puppets. The van turned, but my awful parking obviously had an impact because the van drove straight into a deep ditch.
So to update you, there's a cow in need of assistance ('cos she ain't doing it), no men when you need one, the lane is blocked by two bad examples of female driving, AND, I still hadn't had a decent cup of tea.
The posse arrived and administered cow-type help, then they pulled the van out of the ditch. Very small daughter has been diagnosed with a severe chest infection and the eldest one still needs a blood test but we can't get any out of her because she's a vampire and they take blood not give it!
Darling husband came in from van pulling and walked through the house in his pants and socks....!!! Erm, Darling, why do you have no clothes on after rescuing that lady driver??? It seems he got rather messy with the cow, nice.
I suddenly realised it was lunchtime, and middle daughter had not had her lunch delivered to school, I phoned the school to profess our cacophony of mishaps and could someone please allow her school lunch?

Can someone please take me back to my room??

Surprise, surprise!!

I am constantly shocked by other people, my naivety in life is a constant source of entertainment to those close to me.
Yesterday afternoon whist driving my eldest daughter from school, I asked if I could please have piece of chocolate ( I know, it's a surprise that someone as sweet as me should need it, but there we go!). She undid the wrapper, folded it neatly around the chocolate so I could hold it without getting chocolate on my finders and passed it to me. I almost did an emergency stop, what was she doing? My father always did that for me when I would chauffeur him around. At the time I thought it was kindness but looking back he probably didn't want chocolate finger marks on his walnut dash and leather interior.
Come to think of it I don't recall any of my parents cars ever resembling the state of mine inside.
Then there's our friends who have been together 23 years, always smiling.
She's left him, told him one day, divorce papers arrived the next!! Not only that but she moved straight in with another man....Gasp, shock, horror! Even left the children behind!! (Sharp intake of breath).
Now don't get me wrong I am in no way criticising, I don't know and don't wish to know all the facts, it's just it has shocked me.

Then there's Shirl, after years of wanting a Mercedes sports, she has actually bought one. Last time she went to buy one she came home with a Vauxhall Vectra, that was more worrying than shocking though, lets be honest.

Last night I took Jazz, my middle daughter to watch some of her friends in the school 'Stars in their Eyes' competition. My lady that does was there to watch her daughter too. Her daughter and friend sang a duet based on 'Lucky Twice' and were dressed in a stripey T-Shirts and pretty skirts. These normally shy girls sang in perfect tune, did nice co-ordinated arm movements and it was lovely. I was truly amazed at their confidence.
Oh, but then, there was the star of the show, ten years old singing 'Son of a Preacher Man'...is that appropriate for a ten year old?
The young man, again ten years old gyrating and grinding his hips like Mica!!
One young lady dressed as Dolly Parton with huge false breasts!! This is all in a Primary School!!! Truly, truly shocking.

And finally this morning I had a forwarded email from a friend, clearly illustrating how she has been the victim of cyber bullying. I was disgusted and not only shocked at it's contents but shocked at how angry I felt about it.

I guess the biggest shock of the day will be when our friends arrive this afternoon after a month in Australia. We've really missed them. We have looked after their Gerbils, Stick Insects and Fish here in this very house. Not once have I wrenched any of them from the jaws of the cat. That their pets have survived will be truly, truly shocking for them.