Wishing you a very Happy Christmas..

We've had much celebrating and frivolity this Festive Season.
The Frog in the Field Office Party was an occasion to be remembered.
Our non-executive breakfast chef (Darling Husband's best friend who turns up with bacon for breakfast when he's not working days) called in sick, so there were only four of us.

Our executive transport arrived spot on time to collect us all, and after a small tussle regarding who was sitting in the front, we were off!
We laughed all the way, and arrived at our venue in perfect time.
After an aperitif, some Newspaper reading and a bit more arguing regarding seating arrangements we selected from the menu.

We sat and pulled our crackers (we knew how to have a good time) and I took the lead reading out my joke:
" What do you call someone who buys presents for pets?"
Answer: "Santa Paws"
Everyone groaned.
Darling Husband read his joke out:
" What do you call someone who buys presents for pets?"
Answer: "Santa Paws"
We laughed
Household cavalry read hers out:
" What do you call someone who buys presents for pets?"
Answer: "Santa Paws"
We laughed a lot.
Fourth member of our party (Brother-in-Law) read his joke out:
" What do you call someone who buys presents for pets?"
Answer: "Santa Paws"

We were in hysterics, totally helpless!

"Hats on!" said my Brother-in-Law.
Darling Husband and his Brother donned their paper hats perfectly.
My hat had a diameter of a large tea-cup and our Household Cavalry just had one long strip of zig-zaggy paper which she draped across her head.

We were in hysterics, again.

Lunch arrived, beautifully presented.
The waitress asked : "is your lunch ok even though the crackers were crap?"
Thank goodness we had booked such an upmarket establishment for our festive treat, goodness knows what sort of people might have waited on us if we hadn't!

We ate our main course, during which the waitress/barmaid went home, and were pleasantly surprised to hear a man start playing guitar and singing really well behind us. It was lovely. We turned to see one man sat on the bar stool singing with feeling, while another gentleman sat not too far away on a table for one.

He said "He's not singing to me!!"
More hysterics...I asked if we were interrupting something..

We started thinking about pudding and noticed the chef leaving.
The bar lights had been switched off and even the man playing guitar had stopped.

Ah..better leave then...
We paid up and wandered out into the cold winter air deciding to take a stroll while we waiting for our executive transport to collect us.
We walked into the castle grounds passing a sign that said:
"No guide dogs or hearing dogs except for the deaf"
That didn't seem terribly fair to me, but I suppose those who were blind wouldn't know they were being discriminated against because it wasn't in Brail.

Our transport arrived and the driver suggested a slight detour to another quality hostelry for another drink before we were driven home. After a slight tussle for the front seat we settled in and each told our cracker joke to the very kind person driving who of course wished they weren't in our company at all.

The next venue was a total let down, the bar was open , they were welcoming, everything was perfect and therefore not so funny, but all in all we had a great time!

And so..here's a silly poem:

It's Christmas Eve
All is quiet
When the girls wake up
there'll be a riot
They are so excited
They can't keep still
They are squealing and running
(Making me feel ill)
Time is dragging,
they just can't wait
Is that a rattling on the slate?

I wish you a Happy Christmas
Full of Smiles, Love and Cheer,
Chocolate and oranges,
Turkey Sandwiches and Beer.
But most of all
I wish you peace and goodwill
(Keep the turkey well chilled to make sure you're not ill).
Frog
x

Bah! Humbug!

Well Merry Christmas Everyone!
We're very excited in the Frog house, our 11ft real Christmas tree is up and looking good. Father Christmas is the topic of the moment and the children eagerly look forward to their Uncle arriving on Christmas Eve with some carrots and a bucket of oats, sometimes a small net of hay. He makes a fuss of showing them the reindeer food and assures them it's freezing outside, they rush into the sitting room and listen for him to climb onto the roof (he throws sticks up there I think) to put the food in place and then rush to talk at him, all three at once while he has a congratulatory cup of tea and mince pie. He loves it, they love it.

This year a miserable supply teacher has been told not to return to one primary school after she told a class of seven-year-olds that Santa Claus did not exist!!

Children at Blackshaw Lane Primary School in Oldham were talking about Christmas when the teacher came out with the news.

Father Christmas was not responsible for delivering their presents on Christmas Eve, the pupils were taught. The teacher, who had been drafted in for just the day, has now been told not to come back and I'm glad that action was taken. Life is tough and we're a long time grown up, why spoil a little childhood magic? It achieves nothing but disappointment.

Frog in the Field has been extremely busy, I'm happy to say. Frog headquarters has been hopping with orders and this year I've had one or two excellent complaints which I'd like to share with you.

The first was a great comment about how in the web site photograph three products were featured, but only two arrived.

I replied: "Dear Mr A,
we were disappointed to see your negative feedback on Amazon regarding the service received from Frog in the Field.
May we please draw your attention to the technical details which clearly state the price is for two products.
We respectfully request you withdraw your negative feedback owing to this not being our error.
Negative feedback has a detrimental effect on business and the ability to trade on Amazon.
I very much hope you will honour this request.
Kind regards"


I got a fantastic reply:"Hi,

I understand your concerns, and acknowledge that the detailed technical small print does in fact indicate the price is for two products. I will therefore remove my negative feedback on the condition that you change the picture on Amazon, which is much more obvious and has three products in it. I could understand if it had one item, showing the product, or two showing the number you get, but I do think that most people would assume that they would get three of these by looking at the picture, and not realise they needed to check the small print.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Regards "

How much was the item? And what was it?
Well, it was a skull & crossbone temporary tattoo costing 50p.

The next one was great too:

The customer left feedback which read something like: 'Poor quality, not worth the money, postage costs far too high'

I responded
"Dear Mrs Rymer,
We are most disappointed to read your negative comments on Amazon regarding the toy microphone you purchased. I'm very sorry you were unhappy with the quality, may I suggest you return the item to us for a full refund? Unfortunately one cannot expect a fully functioning microphone for £1.50.
I would have very much appreciated you contacting me directly regarding your concerns than put negative feedback onto the site. I have not been given the opportunity to resolve the issues with you.

The P&P costs are not excessive for the item (£1.50). The Royal Mail charges us 95p Second Class or £1.14 First Class.
The item has to be picked from stock handwrapped and also packed into an envelope and then two stickers have to be printed to put on the parcel, the item is then taken to a collection point, all these steps are labour intensive and have cost implications.

I very much hope you will reconsider your comments and remove them.
Your sincerely,"

Both customers have now removed their feedback and I have a great selling record again....what is wrong with people?
I also had a request to give a refund on a sheep keyring (£1.50) because it was a no longer needed Christmas Present...what was the scenario there?
"Algernon! how could you?
I simply don't like it!"

Bets are being taken on what my present will be from Shirl this year. I wanted to give her a 2008 Calender but Darling Husband won't let me, the pictures are fabulous and he wants to keep it, damn he's so mean to me!

But today is the Frog in the Field Office Party...yippee!!
I look forward to slurring ribbits all afternoon and eating far too much lunch.
Must go and get glammed up now (wash my wellies).

Frog (hic!)
x

Blogging, Buddies & Christmas Boxes

Sparx has been very kind awarding me this, well, award. Thank you Sparx, it was a lovely boost to my battered little self.

I love the Blogging world for it's friendliness, it has led me to people I click with and laugh with. I read things that make me howl with laughter and sometimes this leads to hour long conversations on the phone, while consuming copious amounts of wine! I shant name names..

Frog in the Field has been very busy, even for this time of year, and I've not had time to blink let alone blog, but as the cattle have escaped this morning (yes we got up at 3am!), and Fruitcake alerted us with that stupid bark that makes all her feet leave the floor at once, I thought, to heck with it, I shall write a post and damn the consequences!

Yesterday I was a little concerned, and I'd appreciate some comments on this...yes, another true story!
I had an order for a small item for a child, and it was to be sent to a lady whose surname was 'Bilevych'.....now, I love Spoonerisms as much as the next person, but am I just being overly suspicious?

This week we played 'I spy'(we really know how to live), as we often do and daughter number three is now getting quite good at it. All this going to school makes the game far less funny. It used to be along the lines of 'something beginning with 't'
Daughter number three: 'house?'
But not any more.
Me:'I spy with my litle eye, something beginning with 'f'
Daughter number three: 'hmm....um' she looked thoughtfully round the kitchen.. 'um, I'm not allowed too say the swear word am I Mummy?'
OHMYGOD!!

Ah, and news on the new position as Chair for school Friends committee.
I was asked to Chair the AGM because the gentleman who was to take the last meeting was unwell, and as I was then Vice-Chair, it was my duty to stand in.
No pressure, just a new Head, only the AGM, and erm, no notes to work from.
It was all very pleasant with canapes, wine and polite conversation.
I had to improvise big time....didn't have a clue what to do or say and the inner Frog was screaming 'arghh!!!!!', while outer Frog remained cool and composed and inserted plenty of polite intervals between matters, while I frantically sifted through old minutes trying to work out what the hell I should be saying.
I think it went rather well!
(Cue the corkscrew!)
And in my new role as Chair, I like to think I'm on top of things...apart from emailing a fashion agent in Blackheath with numbers of tables booked for the ball, instead of a parent in Monmouthshire with the same first name, everything is under control!!

And of course we're all looking forward to Christmas here.

Bets are being taken on this years offerings from Shirl.
Here's a shortlist of favourite presents from her in past years:
A pot of honey
Terrys Chocolate Orange (4 years out of date) - no, I am not exaggerating.
Chocolates from the Tobacco Warehouse (chocolates inside were not the ones on the carton).
a vacuum she won in a competition.

I'm so terribly excited!

My Wonderful Nan

Today has been a sad day, today was my grandmother's funeral.
She was fab, I shall miss her very much, we laughed a lot together and I consider myself extremely lucky to have had so much quality time with her in my adult life. My children adored her almost as much as I did.

So, we gathered at the church, a large and sad family. Sons, daughters, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, friends of grandchildren, and children of friends of grandchildren.

The sun shone and it was a lovely service and burial (as lovely as it could be), with tributes read out and some particularly dodgy hymn singing, and although I've cried many tears over losing her, I've decided to highlight the humour of the day, because indeed there always is some, and I could always make my Nan laugh, she loved to hear the ridiculous stories about life at Camp Frog.
I recall making her laugh so suddenly one day that she spat her tablets out..thankfully her teeth stayed in!

As we sat there today I thought about Darling Husband's friend's comments this week. He had been visited by a Jehovah Witness.
JW: Do you know what happens to you after you die?
Friend of DH: Yep, they put you in a box and drop you in a hole in the ground.
JW : Well that's not really what happens
Friend of DH: Well, I've been bearer at many a funeral and I can tell you, that's what happened every time.

The gentleman left, sadly shaking his head, fearing for Darling Husband's friend's soul.

The undertaker arrived and put up the stand at the front of the congregation, on which to stand the casket...We were once at a funeral and the undertaker did the same thing, carefully placing the trestles just so. Darling Husband leaned over and whispered "this really is not the time for putting wallpaper up".

The flowers were stunning and almost everyone wore something lilac because it was Nan's favourite colour.

Shirl was without question engaging in an Oscar winning performance at the graveside, so much so, I have wondered if she's been watching re-runs of Dallas! She had adorned herself in gold sunglasses and fur coat for the occasion. (Bear with me, you won't think I'm so mean in a mo)

We all retired to the local hostelry, which was once owned by my Great-Grandfather and indeed where many of us had spent happy hours as children.
Shirl had to be helped into the pub, such was her distressed state, which wasn't easy viewing.
Funerals are never easy, emotions run high and we were all a bit reluctant to say much for a while, but soon a row broke out, as they always do at funerals.
There were raised voices and pointing, others were called over and they joined in, sides were taken and no-one could sort out exactly where the Grandfather clock used to be. Beer flowed and we ate four times as many sandwiches as the pub had prepared in advance.

A man I'd seen in the church was introduced to Shirl and amazingly the tears stopped and Barbie re-appeared!! Gosh what talent to be able to change characters like that!

I know, you think I'm mean, but going from an inconsolable wreck to come up and see me some time was quite a transformation. She still managed her high heels, tight belt and leg-showing skirt. I could almost hear my dear Nan asking what the hell her daughter was playing at!!

And the punch line, I'm shocked and embarrassed, but as I can't tell my Nan, I'll tell you. Before we got into the car to travel the 40ish miles home I walked down to the Grave for another look at the flowers, and was surprised to see a few relatives also there.

"Aren't the flowers lovely" My Aunt said.
I started feeling tearful again.
My Aunt can read me like a book and continued with a tiny smile "...mm, lovely, guess which ones are from your Mum (Shirl)?"

I looked at the flowers, huge cushions of white and lilac buds, a whole row of letters forming the word 'Mum', Sprays and Bouquets..obviously hundreds of pounds worth of flowers.

"I don't know" I said quietly.

"The Cyclamen" said my Aunt and laughed and laughed.

Amongst all the beautiful arrangements was a single potted Cyclamen; a pink potted cyclamen, and this for the wonderful lady whose favourite colour was lilac, and from the monied daughter who was clearly the most devastated about her passing.

"She said they didn't have any lilac flowers left"

Well, there is a credit crunch on I suppose !

OHMYGOD!!!
Can I make a public plea..if ever I get that mean, shoot me..

Fireworks

November the 5th was a filthy wet and windy night.
Everyone in our house was grumpy.
Nothing would placate the two youngest, not even Jaffa cakes!

"Right!" said Darling Husband "Who wants to see some fireworks?"
"Me! Me!!" they shouted.

The two youngest covered themselves in thick warm clothes and set off with Daddy.

On their return they came in with glowing faces, tired out and flopped into bed.

Darling Husband poured himself a drink..
"Well, we drove to the Golf Course, but it seemed to be cancelled, lots of other people turned up - but there were no fireworks.
So, we went into town and just saw the last ones going up in the distance.

We drove out to Llanarth, as it started later, and got there a few minutes late.
The little one was frightened by the fireworks and refused to get out of the car.
She finally got brave and we all got out.
They wanted a hot dog...
We got hotdogs,
We missed the last fireworks
The Little one hated the hotdog
I said I'd eat it, she threw it on the floor in temper."

Big Sigh.

Cars & Bras

My nephew is the most gorgeous young man ever (excluding my Godson and his bro).
He's 8ft 6" (The Vampire says he's 10ft 9") and has hair like Sideshow Bob.
He's just finished a masters degree in something terribly exciting that starts with Geo-..
Nephew was invited to join the medics he had shared a house with for three years after they finished their work stint in India, we were worried, Nephew booked his ticket.
He journeyed to London to sort out his visa.
All went as planned and being a Country boy, called a friend and asked, what should I do to kill a bit of time?
The young lady in question sent him to look at the longest escalator in the world!#!!
Why (splutter) would you even mention that if you were female, to a chap?...were there not better things to see in the great capital?
Anyway, Nephew went to see the escalator, and thought it was really cool(speechless).

He left for India.
The first email we had said:
"on the way over we hit turbulence and dropped miles and a mans' dinner floated over the seat in front and i got showered with rice( a bit scary )!"

The next email read:
"the Taj Mahal was amazing. Rhys trod on a cobra when we were playing golf there. I had a monkey jump on me at some temple like on the jungle book."

He did a camel trek in the desert and slept on the sand under the stars, he had the most fabulously awesome time. He even bribed a zoo-keeper to get closer to the Tigers while they were being fed (why would anyone do that?).

Back at home, while he was away, another adventure was happening on a very quiet still night. We don't get light pollution here, so on a clear night you can see all the stars and mountains lit up from behind by the South Wales City of Newport. It's also very quiet, just the sound of animals munching, breathing..crickets in the hedgerows.

My Sister in Law woke when she heard a noise outside and rushed to the window, it was around 2am.
My Nephews' car was disappearing down the road.
She shouted to her Husband and says she's not seen him move so fast in thirty years. He gave chase in their other car, clad in only his pj's and slippers.
My niece woke upon hearing all the commotion and got dressed while my SIL phoned the Police.
Now it just so happens that my Nephew's car runs on gas, and only starts the engine on diesel, so within a mile the car thief had conked out and was just puzzling over the problem when my Brother-in-Law ripped the car door open and snatched the keys from the ignition!! There was a bit of a tugging and to-ing and fro-ing with the car door (and I suspect some eloquently choice words) until the the light fingered fellow pushed hard on the door from the inside, throwing my Brother-in-Law into the hedge!! Then the scallywag made a run for it while my Brother-in-Law unhooked himself from the foliage, probably very grateful that he'd had any pj's on at all.
Brother-in-Law returned home with one slipper and collected my niece who helped to retrieve the stolen vehicle.
Meanwhile, what was my sister in law doing?
Well somehow, in all the excitement she'd managed to put two bra's on and when she tried to take one off it was the underneath one and she'd got in a complete knot...

I just give up, I really do.