The Frog Christmas

Well, it was certainly a different Christmas.
It was our first one without MIL, so the whole family wished to be together. Now, with the amount of people that involved, careful thought was required.
One BIL was taken very ill just before Christmas and we had to knock the altogether plan on the head, he needed peace and quiet. He stayed home with wife and family.
One BIL is huffy so we all ignore him.
One BIL was to eat with his sister and family.
My sister and BIL stayed at their house avoiding all relations (and very wise too).
Shirl and 'Whotcha! mate!' were snowed in, in their tiny Kent residence.
So I was to cook lunch just for the Frog family, one sister in law, two Aunts and two Uncles and one brother in law.
Although there were 11 of us, we had to consider that BIL eats more than most families put together so I catered for 15.
Christmas morning was bright and sunny, snow covered the garden and fields, it was lovely!
SIL brought all the family china and silver for us to use, just for the day and she came armed with home-made Plum wine, a bottle of fizz and a Christmas Pudding she made with my children a few weeks ago.

Our biggest crisis was terribly serious.
We heard a scream.
Howls followed.
The teenager burst into the kitchen saying the youngest Frog needed me.
I rushed to her yelling to the teenager(in a delicate and ladylike manner)...'What's happened?'
The teenager didn't answer.
She couldn't speak.
There were tears in her eyes.
My goodness...what was I going to find?
Youngest scrumplet had used the loo and wriggled forward to get off, when her paper hat from her cracker slipped from her little head and landed in the water!
Middle daughter was crying laughing.
Little scrumplet was howling, tears streaming down her cheeks, and between sobs screamed..'IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!'
The teenager hid outside the bathroom trying to compose herself.
I managed to placate the poor little thing with magic kisses and my paper hat from my cracker and escaped from the bathroom before I burst into laughter as well.

Youngest daughter was given a present to open to placate her.
It was Astronaut Ice- Cream.
She was quite puzzled and then pointedly said:
"Mummy this present isn't a very good one for me because I don't want to be an Astronaut when I grow up!"

Worst Christmas Gift Ever

I know it's almost Christmas, the girls have eaten most of their advent calender (chocolate of course) and we have had our office party today. Not as good as last year perhaps, but very nice all the same. We had 5 of us at the party and only three jokes were the same in the crackers this year.
Here are the best Christmas stories I've ever told and I encourage you to read them. The first is about having the school pet for Christmas, the second about saving the day.

I've never written a Blog about my worst Christmas presents, but my dear friend Dulwich Mum is writing about such things and so I thought I'd give it a little mention too. Take a look at her fabulous post.
Shirl is not one for knowing what my taste is, she's a little more frugal than I am.
She did once give me a state of the art vacuum cleaner, small, but beautiful.
I was so chuffed!
I rang my sister in excitement and told her what I'd had.
Sister: "Is it the one Mum won in that competition?"
Me: "....gasp, um, (splutter) she what?
Sister: "Oh, sorry"

Furthering the theme, another year she gave me a pair of Marigolds and a bottle of Clean-o-pine.
Was my house dirty I asked?
Shirl: "No, not at all, I didn't know what to buy and I just thought it would be useful"
I was so not chuffed!

But the best worst present ever, was when I was expecting our second child.
I hadn't been able to eat much all through my pregnancy.
I had a few weeks to go and fancied some chocolate.
Darling Husband was really pleased to hear I wanted something, so ran to get the present Shirl sent me.
I opened the Terrys Chocolate Orange and was disappointed to see it was white frosted on the outside and looked a little stale.
Darling Husband grabbed the box and looked closely at it.
The sell-by date was 4 years previous...!!
4 Years!!
My sister almost died laughing..thank goodness for inhalers.
I kid you not
I think Money is the best gift, hmm......

Twitter and witter

I guess I am just wittering away, but I've noticed a few things lately while I've been moving around my life in a slow and slightly stooped manner (still sore inside). Yes, the life of the Frog is still a delicate and sensitive one (sniff).

We've seen some vandalism in our nearest town, Monmouth recently. Boots the Chemist and Purveyor of strange mugs that no-one will ever fit into the dishwasher, was left with it's huge glass window smashed. They repaired it within around 24 hours.
The local Handyman shop was also damaged, again a very large glass window was smashed and consequently boarded up.
Now my point is, it's still boarded up after a few weeks.....and it's called Handyman House! I guess they're just not very handy.

I've had two Christmas Greetings from companies that I will now never, ever buy from. For goodness sake, it's still only November. I know shops want to advertise their Christmas wares as soon as the children go back to school in September, but surely it should be made illegal to send a Christmas Greeting before December the first.

I have, I admit, attended a few Christmas Fairs at Schools in the area because friends asked me to take my stock, but I'm a bit of a scardy cat at these things. I people watch and I'm scared something whizzing round my little brain will pop out my mouth so others can hear. At the last Fair I set up my stall and sat with a nice cool glass of water waiting for it to open...all was calm....
My mind wandered back to the last time I was there and I'd spent the whole evening laughing at a child's drawing of a woman with strangely large breasts; a child had drawn their mother, whom I imagine either had no idea the picture was on display or had a sight impairment.
Then I remembered the child from hell who stood in front of my stall the entire evening with a maniacal look on her face demanding the price of everything and scaring the hell out of me.

So, this year the first customer was, of course, that same child, bigger and rounder and yes even more frightening. I groaned out loud by accident, my heart sank. She bought a weirdly large number of stretch frogs, mostly the same colour and talked at me whenever I wasn't speaking with a customer.
Her mother was even more scary, she had the air of a baroness and the hairstyle of a sumo wrestler. As she swaggered gracefully around the school hall she tossed her smart wrap around her bottle green fleece, a strange combination tis true. I felt as though I was in a scene from Matilda with Miss Trunchbull the resemblance was uncanny.

And a story from my holiday.
We travelled with our lovely friends and their two children.
Coming home we journeyed by Train from the airport.
Trains don't stop too long at stations and so getting 9 of us on and off with 9 suitcases and 9 lots of hand luggage was quite interesting.
One train we wedged ourselves into was so crowded once we got on that the guard couldn't get out of his door to check tickets, our cases were piled high against it..I don't think we were too popular on that train.
But it got worse...our travelling companion is highly skilled in train maintenance and holds a position of high authority in a Welsh train company.
We managed to settle in First Class, got ourselves warm drinks and discovered it was almost impossible to drink them, such was the bumpiness of the train.
Darling Husband listened to the authoritative speculations of our friend as to the problem.
His wife and I rolled our eyes.
The Ticket Chappie/Train Manager arrived to throw us out of First Class and our friend deftly preoccupied him with chatter that he thought there was a problem with the train because he, himself was an engineer.
The manager hardly glanced at our tickets, left us in First Class and went away.
A few minutes later he came back, pointed at our friend and said loudly
"I want a word with you".

We all froze prepared to go to the chicken carriage at the back, Mr G (our friend) followed the Train manager to a table further down the carriage and a big discussion went on for some time.

Mr G swaggered back to us and sat down.
"I told him what's wrong with this train" he said, looking rather pleased with himself.
His wife and I rolled our eyes.
The journey continued with lengthy explanations about the technical fault, and we pulled into Swindon hoping no-one else would get in 'our' carriage and our journey into Wales would soon pass.
Next there was an announcement:
"This train will be terminated from service at Swindon. Would all passengers now leave the train taking all their belongings with them. Blah Blah...something about the next train to Wales will be in an hour"
Now I suspect in all the other carriages there was a groan.
In our carriage all eyes turned to Mr G and I suspected he might very soon become the victim of domestic violence.
There were comments like:
"Oh good one Dad!"
"That's you're bloody fault"
"Uncle G! What did you say?"
and "Why can't you just keep your mouth shut and be normal like everybody else?"
So..
it doesn't always pay to know everything...but it was very, very funny.

'Tis healthy to be sick sometimes - Henry David Thoreau

I've been a poorly Frog.
The toothache steadily rose to a crescendo like I've never known (and I've given Birth 3 times).
I couldn't eat, sleep or think straight.
At night I could only pace around downstairs hoping to wear myself out so much that I might eventually sleep.
I begged my dentist to do something.
Dentist: ' Why didn't you come to me sooner?'
Frog: 'I did...you x-rayed my teeth and said there was nothing wrong'.
Dentist ' Oh, hmm, well let's have another look shall we?'

He put me on anti-biotics, then more anti-biotics, and said he couldn't pull the tooth out because it was such a deep rooted infection ('you really should have come in sooner').
We had a holiday booked the following week to take the children to Florida, Darling Husband has been very unwell for months and he's made a very recent recovery and we were all so looking forward to getting away; it now looked as though I would wreck all the plans because I wasn't fit to drive let alone travel long haul.

The dentist had another peep to see if he could do an extraction...still too infected.
He gave me yet another prescription for anti-biotics, I was wishing for a miracle..or to be run over on the way out, I just couldn't take any more.
The dentists wife saw me on the way out and said I could pay a private clinic an extortionate amount and have a general anaesthetic to have my tooth out the next day, would I like her to enquire how many houses I would have to sell to pay for it?
Well, I think I would have paid anything.
On Tuesday I went to the private clinic and handed over the gross national product.
The surgeon dentist told me I looked as though I was walking to the guillotine.
I replied through clenched teeth..just-take-the-tooth-out.

I woke up 15 minutes later looking very unglamorous with bad hair (so my affectionate sister tells me), a plaster on the back of my hand from the IV and blood drooling down my chops.

I had no pain.
I can't tell you how much better I felt.
I came home and slept for the first time in at least two weeks.

The next day (Wednesday)I ate sweet potatoes and savoured every mouthful...the pain was gone, I was sore from the surgery, but I could think straight, it was wonderful.

On Thursday I had a check up with the dentist and he declared me fit to travel the following Monday. I had my miracle, the children started to pack. The milkman arrived and stayed an hour or so for a chat.


I woke during Thursday night feeling strange, I had a pain in my stomach and thought I must have one of those 24 hour stomach bugs coming. I walked into the bathroom and prepared to vomit (in a delicate and ladylike fashion). All of a sudden I realised everything was the wrong way up...why was the loo sideways and why was I looking at the bottom of the bathtub? I called Darling Husband from his slumber and we deduced I'd passed out.
Pain suddenly gripped me and Darling Husband has since said he thought I was 'a gonner'. I did come round long enough to say 'get me to a hospital'.
999 was dialled and quickly rejected because they said it'd be a while, so Daughter no1 and Darling Husband carried me to the car and I continued to slip in and out of consciousness all the way to hospital in Abergavenny.
I remember being dragged out the back seat and dumped into a wheelchair and hearing DH shout that I'd fall out if they didn't bother to hold on to me.

I was wheeled into a cubicle and asked to climb on the bed and change into a gown.
When I failed to respond the staff started getting really annoyed with me, but I couldn't move my mouth, hands or make any sounds, it was awful. We have since wondered if they thought I was drunk or on drugs, their unkindness was unbelievable.

Darling Husband wasn't allowed near me for quite some time and when they eventually let him in they demanded to know who on earth he was, poor DH was incredulous! Then he discovered I'd still had nothing for my pain...I can see why casualty staff get attacked sometimes, sorry, but the worry and anguish they caused was terrible.

I had to have a heart monitor attached, my temperature taken, answer questions and explain why I had a bruise and needle mark in the back of my hand, over and over again.
Well, after a drip and pain relief things calmed a little and the general consensus of opinion was that the anti-biotics I'd taken for toothache had eliminated all the good bacteria in my gut and bowel. My insides were literally in spasm and the pain was making me pass out.

The casualty staff started being very kind and gentle indeed once they realised I really was ill and not exaggerating.
I started to feel a little better and after blood test results I was allowed home, feeling like I'd been kicked by a carthorse.

On Saturday I was still in bed, very upset and unable to eat. I got my laptop and tried to find out what I should try to eat to recover and discovered lots of people have had the same problem!!
I discovered I needed acidopholus, lactobacillus and bifidobacterium to recover.

By Monday I could shuffle around and decided to try and travel to Gatwick and stay overnight before our flight, if I could cope with that I'd seriously consider getting on the plane...my children were upset and worried and I felt so responsible for ruining the holiday. Not only for them, but we were going with our best friends and their two children too.

We managed the journey, me with the smallest bag shuffling along behind the others.
I managed to eat a small amount of chicken, gravy and veg and felt a little stronger.
So, I braved the flight and we all set off....9 of us, like a school outing.
The 1st flight was fine, I slept, ate a little and felt even better.
While we were waiting for the next flight I had a fruit smoothie..lots of goodness, what a stupid mistake that was!
The next flight ended with Darling Husband telling me he was calling for a doctor and paramedics came onboard to help me off the plane (a hell of a way to queue-jump) and I was quickly wheeled to a quiet area and again had all my vital signs checked, more blood tests. This time they were kind, caring and just lovely. An ambulance crew arrived as well but after some time and consideration we decided I needed to go and rest up and be more careful what I drank and ate.
I felt rather stupid I must say.

We stayed at a friends house which was lovely, spacious and quiet. I stayed in bed a day or two while the others had a scout about.
I improved steadily and lived off water, porridge, chicken and salad.
We had a great holiday, sitting round the pool reading in lovely sunny weather, lots of laughter and the last night I risked a steak..not a good plan, I was ill again, but not so violently this time, no loss of consciousness this time.

And now we're home, and although I still feel like I've been kicked by a carthorse and can't carry anything, I feel much more relaxed for the holiday even though I scared everyone else half to death!
I intend to live on sweet potatoes and chicken and never take anti-biotics again (unless I'm really dying) and hope I am fully recovered soon. Oh....and always to nag my children to look after their teeth so they never have to go through agony like that!

Grumpy

I'm in quite a grumble this week (mutter), I've had raging toothache, can't sleep, can't eat...whinge moan.
I've been spending the small hours looking through my computer files and deleting anything no longer needed, my busiest time of year begins in two weeks and I feel the need for a clear out.
Amazon is a big outlet for me at Christmas and you may know how it works, you buy something and then leave feedback for the merchant. While clearing out I've looked through my feedback and while most customers are very nice I just wonder what on earth is wrong with people!
This is typical example:
It was hard to judge the size of the telescopes from the picture. A scale would have been helpful.
Look here

Another one:
There not proper microphones
that's right, they are not proper microphones, proper ones costs lots of money and these are pink plastic toy ones costing £1.50!

Here's one I responded to:
wasnt what i expected
Frog reply: So sorry you were not happy with the Tube of Body Glitter, but not sure quite what else you were expecting :D

And this one still puzzles me to this day:
Ok I contacted this seller as I made an incorrect order on one item, and when my order did arrive the part that was incorrect in the 1st place was ok, but the second part of the order which was originally fine was wrong. So I give up.

This is a great one regarding a pull along item:
Delivery was on time and the product was the one ordered. However, I am a bit disappointed with the product as it is not very pratical to carry.

And I think I must have been having a bad day when I read this one, it's not my finest hour in customer courtesy but I did try everything I could and surely they can at least try and get their own address right:
was not delivered - never recieved
Frog reply: We contacted you on 22/12/08 to say the item was returned, Addressee unknown.
You asked for the address we had, we explained that we cut and paste address information to avoid mistakes and asked if you would like a refund or another item, you have not responded since.
You have spelled received wrong too.

You know, the best one I've heard is about an Ebay seller who includes postal charges in the item cost and still got 1 out of 5 for P&P!

*All smelling mistakes are the complainers ...it's all cut and pasted!

Cousin Conversation

Gorgeous Nephew: Hey cousin no 1

Swot daughter: Hey cousin no 3

Gorgeous Nephew: Washing the tractor?

Swot daughter: Yep

Gorgeous Nephew: Tractors are cool aren't they?

Swot daughter: Yep

Gorgeous Nephew: Have you got my shirt on?

Swot daughter: Yep

Gorgeous Nephew: Can I have it back?

Swot daughter: No

Gorgeous Nephew: Oh, OK.

Nephew = 23 years old
Daughter = 14 years old
Both daft as brushes!
(by the way, the photo is of my nephew and my youngest daughter not the swot...he is tall but not a giant)

Just feeling so betrayed

I'm passionate about my children being safe and happy.
We've come too close in the past to stop fighting for our children now and this latest event has really blown my sense of humour away.
I read my daughter's books, we both love reading.
I rummaged in her room for the latest book and started reading it.
Yep I was horrified, devastated and felt sick.
This is a book sent home from school by the Librarian, she wanted my daughter's opinion of the book and maybe they'll get the author in to talk to the students.
She wasn't going to be in trouble because she'd been asked to read it, why would she have any hesitation whatsoever?
Why would a parent have any hesitation if the school sent a book home, you wouldn't!
I feel my trust has been betrayed, but am so thankful my daughter hadn't read much at all, so didn't read what I did.
What was in it?
Well it was not particularly well written, but I pressed on, wanting to know what she was going to read, always good to know what a teenager reads, I think.
There was a description in there of sexual abuse, detailed, of a 14 year old boy by his carer.
It details non-consensual homosexual activity with a minor.
Is it me or it it wrong?

This book should not be in a school Libary.
Our children don't need to read this.
Needless to say I have spoken to school.
Tell me, would you be happy for your teenager to read one of these books?