Saturday, 22 September 2007


Ah, what a week.
My rantings to DHL for their diabolical service have left me exhausted.
How can a courier company be so bad at what they do? How can they say a parcel is not address correctly when they are delivering to a postcoded address of a Lutyens Listed grand building?
I take issue with their advertised 24 hour delivery, I suspect it's secret coded text for 'Next time we're passing an incredibly huge listed house with formal gardens at the address written on the parcel, we may drop off said parcel, or we may leave it for another day, or we may not bother with the delivery until we are yelled at for 24 hours'.

The Postman this week has equally been what can only be decribed as outside the human race, he drives far too fast, can't find his brakes and crashes into things when he turns his van. He has the personal speed of a sloth and wit and intelligence of a blunt knife that lost it's blade many years ago in very soft butter.

Tuesday, 18 September 2007

Birthday Present

My Mother has just arrived.
She has brought Sophie her Birthday Present.
It's a triple pack of tights from Woolworths (Ladybird).
Two pairs look like they'll fit, one pair is twice the length of the others..very entertaining.
I don't know what else to say about the present really, I suppose at least she got the correct colour!

Monday, 17 September 2007


When I was just a few weeks from giving birth to my middle daughter, I had some car trouble. My gorgeous Jaguar sports car (sadly now sold) developed some problem and as my nearest maternity supply shops are at least half an hour away, I didn't want to risk getting stranded and having to give birth in a multi-story in Newport.
So, against all instincts, I asked my mother to get me a list of items.
Now I know she will opt for the least expensive and of course always the poorest quality item she can find, so I decided to give her a foolproof list.
I telephoned her and made her write down 'Mothercare' at the top of the list and then each item description, catalogue number, size and price.
She read the whole thing back to me, I'd cracked it, I just had to wait for her to deliver the stuff to me. I also told her, to be on the safe side, that she should approach a member of staff on entering the shop and hand over the list.
As my mother lives near Bluewater I had no fear that they would be out of stock of anything.
Well, how wrong could I have been?
My mother arrived, dropped the huge bag onto the said 'Boots' on the side.
"Wrong Shop Mum" I said.
"You told me to go to Boots!"
"No, Mum, Mothercare"
Silence filled the room.
"Oh, well, they're all the same aren't they?" said my Mother realising that causing a scene might set off my labour.

Darling husband kept stifling his giggles, but I knew he was doing it and I was not impressed.
We opened the bag and went through the list.
The Maternity Bra was two sizes too big... "Well it's all they had!"
I was speechless
Composing myself, I delved into the bag again.
I pulled out Toddlers Antiseptic Hand Wipes. "What are these for? I wanted moist toilet tissue!!"
My blushing Mother said, "It's all they had"
What she meant was she was too embaressed to buy anything to do with maternity, babies and normal bodily functions.
The whole bag was wrong, every item in it was wrong. I couldn't make do with any of it, she had gone to the wrong shop and so bought none of the right items.
And, she was furious with me for being so ungrateful that I wouldn't even bother to try and make do with any of it.
I pray I never become like my mother.