Wednesday, 9 June 2010

How much is too much?


If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!


Nat said...

Been years since I read that hilarious!

London City Mum said...

V v v good.

Had a rowing coach like that once. Bastard.


vegemitevix said...

That is so hilarious!! And might I add true to life! This is the reason I change gyms every year - I keep on running out of places to stash the bodies.

Expat mum said...

I used to complain about not having a regular routine then we got the stupid dog so now I"m walking about an hour and a half a day. My bum is now as flat as a pancake, which isn't quite what I was going for but ho hum!

Anonymous said...

So funny and so true! My fitness instructor had a whistle that he blew at me constantly, needless to see I told him if he didn't stop I'd ram it somewhere rather uncomfortable!

Mother Hen said...

Oh my god,I was laughing so hard by Wednesday I had to start over twice!
I hate the gym so much that I have to hide at home and turn on crap reality tv to run to. Can't turn tv off until I do 4.5 miles. I really hate reality tv so it is my asshole,bastard,Satan motivator.
Whatever works, right?

Heather said...

fantastic! and i loved that closing line.

Jenny paulin said...

Ha ha that is so true! The amount of times I have tried going to the gym but given up by about the 3rd visit! Very witty thanks for the giggles :-)

Jenny paulin said...

Ha ha that is so true! The amount of times I have tried going to the gym but given up by about the 3rd visit! Very witty thanks for the giggles :-)

Anonymous said...

That was just too funny - particularly the toothbrush bit! Cancelled an induction at my local gym last week because I was too busy...phew that was a close shave! Definitely not gonna reschedule...

private boarding school said...

I found this post so funny! I love how he went from Greek God to bastard withina week! Great post!

goonerjamie said...

Reading the line 'The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it', had me in pieces, and ensured I will never, ever, try to get fit.

Modern Military Mother said...

Frickin' hilarious!!! What an evil bastard. Pass the gin..chin, chin.