Half Term is Over at last..

It's actually almost over, just one day left to go and I've come to the end of the three weeks of half term, and getting serioiusly closer to insanity than I like to get without copious amounts of alcohol. Living so close to the border of England and Wales means that different schools have different holidays.
Child No.1 had two weeks off and went back last Tuesday, while Child No.2 had all of last week off for half term. Child No.3 had last week off at the Welsh Playgroup and the week before off at the English Playgroup.
We've had Christmas Shopping, Cinema trips, Halloween Parties and Disco's, oh, and various sleepovers here and elsewhere.
Last Saturday I had my three nieces here to make Christmas decorations and my house is still covered in glitter even though I've hoovered a number of times. It's all very well making vacuums that pick up dust and stones, what about glitter?
Tomorrow I have cousins and children arriving to go for an Autumnal walk in Herefordshire searching for chestnuts, will it never end?
I want one whole day without having a Celtic House built and demolished in the garden.
I want a whole day without shuttlecocks getting stuck on the roof.
Just one day without the entire contents of the Airing Cupboard being dragged downstairs to be made into a den.

What's in a name?

Darling Husband:
"I see 'the Geezer' has put huge rocks outside his gates to stop people driving on his verges, I might get the digger and move them to irritate him"

'Geezer' = our newest neighbour (a mile away, but that's fairly close around here), who hails from Kent. Sounds like 'ALWIGHT?' and 'WOTCHA MATE!'

'Dutchy' = Mr Holland, lives next door to the Geezer. (Once wore shorts every day for 12 months (short, shorts that is) for a bet. How much was the bet?

Darling Husband:
"There's a duck-filled-fatty-puss outside"
Duck-filled-fatty-puss = "Boots" the cat, having swallowed a whole duck that was a little too gamey for our liking. Sunday lunch was a vegetarian affair today.

Darling Husband:
"That's a 'Garlic' driving that tractor, either that or Prince Charles has a 'Case'

'Garlic' = Mr Garlic the farmer.

'Tosser' = tractor drivers (beginning with 'G') that won't pull over for cars to overtake. (Also managing director of Think Courier)

Darling Husband is so awfully eloquent today.

Father of the Bride

Whew! What a week!
Darling Husband was (acting)father of the bride last Friday.
It was fantastic, we had the wedding outside in beautiful gardens, in a small Cotswold village.
Darling husband, the girls and I all met up with the Groom (my cousin)and other family members in an old Inn that once belonged to my Great-Grandfather for 50 years.
Darling Husband had to change into his Hire Suit at the Inn. He didn't like the look of the small loo and so got his kit off in the car park! This merely confirmed to my relatives that I am in fact married to a maniac.
He greeted the Bride and walked her up the grassy aisle, and made a fantastic speech, toasting to the Bride and Groom with cider (at their request, they dislike champagne). It was all very different. The only trouble was Darling Husband isn't used to cider and had to retire for the evening at 8pm owing to over-indulgence of the said apple juice. Many attempts were made through the evening by my mother (Shirl), sister, uncle Frank, cousin Paul and all the children roaring in and out of our suite, to wake him up and get him back into the party but he stayed put. He has no recollection of going to bed or the many visits.
The next morning I put his hire suit into the back of the Grooms' Mercedes. Myself, the Groom and his brother all looked in amazement...how did Darling Husband take his waistcoat off with out undoing the buttons?
"He's like bloody Houdini" said the Groom

Another True Story

Me:

Dear Customer services,
I booked and paid for a courier to collect a parcel from me, through ThinkCourier.com 22 hours ago, 7pm last night.
The parcel has not been collected, it has been sat waiting since 8am this morning.
Would you kindly fully refund my fees paid.
This is another failure of service from DHL, I will have to book a next day delivery with another company, at a much higher rate, because my customer needs this parcel by Friday.
I am very, very disappointed and angry. This is the third problem I have had using this service.
Kindly confirm my refund.

Reply:

Good morning,
Please accept our apologies that your parcel was not collected yesterday.
I have refunded your payment via Paypal as requested.
Our apologies for any inconvenience caused.

Me:

Thank you for the refund.
Please forward this message to someone senior in your company.
The service by Think Courier has proved to be unreliable.
I now have a parcel to ship to London today and all the stress involved with re-organising collection, finding another company etc.
I will never use your company again.
This is the third time I have been let down by you. You have cost me a great deal of time and money.
I suggest you improve your services dramatically, you are likely to cause damage to the reputation of smaller companies like us because you do not keep to the terms of the contract.


Reply:

Hello, I am sorry you have experienced such problems. I feel the urge to explain the situation so you understand our part in the logistics operation. I am not passing the buck and accept we are responsible as we are the company you contracted to do the job, however, our role in this operation is the software which deals with your order. Whereas other couriers have people sat at a computer punching your shipping data into another system, this can put your shipment at further risk of delay or failure as busy times can result in your order being processed hours after you have booked it. Our software is monitored constantly, every order is piped through to the actually carrier who is doing the collection, it is processed within seconds of you booking it. The software is so successful we have been installing into other courier networks across the UK.

Where the delivery system has broken down is with the carrier in your area; they clearly have the order on the system and the driver has the instruction to collect from you. Unless we can actually get hold of the driver and ask him why he did not bother collecting from you, it is beyond us why he/she did not collect. I have to say it is rare when this kind of thing happens and it really is because of the collection depot or driver in your area, either too busy or not pulling their weight. It lets the side down for all of us, and to add insult to injury I will expect to see abortive collection charges on my account where the driver will make out he attempted the collection, but this is my problem.

The solution to your problem is not to stop using Think Courier, as there is a good chance the next company you use is probably using our software. Please select a different carrier on the quote page, not DHL for instance.
Kind regards
Stephen Abel
Managing Director


Me:
Dear Mr Abel,
Thank you for your email. I regret your decision to not even personally address your email to me.
I appreciate your comments but I will be using UPS from now on.
You must take responsibility for your service.
I cannot simply tell my customer that the party bags for her child won't be delivered, therefor she'll have to go without, I have to find another way around the problem and ensure the parcel gets there on time.
You should have this same policy and instead of sending an email saying sorry, we've refunded your money, you should stand behind your service and make sure a courier gets here, collects my parcel and does the job.



Reply:
I am sorry, I did not realise you were going to make this personal.

I do accept responsibility, I made this clear I my email. Considering we orchestrate over 100.000 parcel deliveries a month whether it is a Think booking or via the other companies that use our software, we suffer with very little failed collections, but I feel I must educate the customers who jump to the wrong assumptions. Just as it frustrates you that a driver did not arrive, it frustrates me just as much that the odd driver spoils a perfect delivery solution.



Your choice to go with UPS is very wise, they are excellent albeit expensive if you are buying direct. We have a UPS account too and can ship parcels from £9.39, this is for a typical parcel under 10kg. If this is competitive with you current UPS supplier you can book this with our larger sister company


Me:
you really are a tosser



Reply:

Thank you, I could return the compliment but that would be low.

Maybe I asked to be called a tosser but you have a knack of rubbing people up the wrong way, i.e. I regret your decision to not even personally address your email to me.

You may have gathered I am not too good at customer service hence why I don’t normally do it.

The Christening - a true story

Potty Mummy reminded me of this occasion with her witty posting this week.
Our neighbours had their second child Christened last summer.
Frances attends her Catholic Church evevry Sunday, Dr.G (her husband)never accompanies her, he's not a great believer.
They were renovating their palatial house at the time and living in a mobile home.
I offered my kitchen for the preparation of all the food to be prepared.
Dr G delegated and my children did a smashing job of the buffet. His parents retired to my bathroom to wash, change and go out for lunch while we soldiered on.
We all arrived at the Church and sat quietly waiting for the ceremony to begin.
Big sister entertained us all with a beautiful rendition of "the enormous catapillar", or "crunch, catapillar, crunch"...an unusual but nevertheless inspired choice for a Christening.
The vicar walked in and greeted us all, shook hands with the God Parents and Dr. G.
The Vicar announce there would be a reading, Frances turned round in the pew, "Oh, Dad, could you do the reading, please?"
A wonderful portly gentleman rose from his seat, did the sign of the cross and bowed with respect before the alter, then gave a faultless reading..not bad for an impromptu moment.
The Vicar put his fingers into the Holy water and made the sign of the cross on the babys' head. In turn the God Parents and Parents were to do the same. The vicar stood in front of Dr.G.
Dr. G glared at him.
Frances nudged Dr. G.
The vicar nodded with encouragement.
"Look Frances", he spat "I don't agree with any of this and I'm not doing it!"
He slouched in his seat, arms folded across his chest and steadfastly refused.
Darling husband and I were shaking with laughter, our children were glaring at us and mouthing to be quiet.

The Vicar then said he would annoint the babys' head.
He rummaged in one pocket, then the other, then another.
He frowned, shouted to his helper at the back. The helper rushed forwards searching round the alter, into little cupboards, backwards and forwards, it was like something out of the Two Ronnies.

Frances fed the baby.
Frances walked out and changed the babys' nappy.
"He's lost the bloody oil" she hissed as she walked by us.

Frances returned with the clean and tidy baby, the vicar found the oil in his pocket (this was after around 20 minutes of rummaging)..darling husband and I were crying with laughter, our children were furious with us, we were going to be in big trouble when they got us home.

They annointed the baby and I forget the rest, but it was terrific entertainment.

Gosh!

I've been given an Award by the lovely Elsie Button.
It's for making her smile! Thank you so much Ms Button!
I first thought I was seeing things last night when I read her Blog, too much Chardonnay, I thought. I did a double take and then went all emotional, somebody likes my stuff!
I'm totally used to people laughing at me. I've never managed to chair a PTFA meeting or attend a Friends meeting without somebody bursting into laughter. I come home and quietly say to Darling Husband "they keep laughing at me".
"That's because you're ridiculous" he says lovingly.

When I write my blog, I often laugh at what I've written, I know how I would say it all, but wonder if it can be funny for anyone else.

My award has made me smile a great deal and helped me through my good deed today. I should like to dedicate it to the gentleman I found this morning on the roadside, his beautiful Volvo had been squashed by a huge trailer full of potatoes (probably destined for Asda or Tesco).
He was in tears, furious and suffering from shock. It was so upsetting to see it in a man I have known for many years, a man so formidable and regimented, to see him lose his composure was horrid. In the rush for other vehicles to get by someone had driven and knocked his shoulder, another had ran over his foot. There was relief when I offered to stay with him, all offenders left rapidly and I stayed with him for an hour, just talking and being there when his anger overcame him again. I called the Police and waited for the recovery vehicle, making sure the gentleman in question would be able to escort his battered car to the garage. A Hire car awaited him, the insurance company notified, he was shaken but physically OK.
He gave me a hug and peck on the cheek before I left, I think I helped him, he gave me a very warm and sincere smile as I drove away.
I came home, feeling how unfair old age is and how awful to have to go home to an empty house. It must be difficult.
I told Darling husband all about it.
As usual he put it all into perspective:
"It's a good job you stopped and talked him into calming down, I would have just told the old bugger to stop being so bloody stupid"
He's mean, but it did sound funny and did make me smile, again.

Grandparents

My Grandparents were complete opposites in socio-economic terms.
When my parents married in 1963, their wedding cost £4,000.
My Mum left a very run down,condemned council flat on the morning of her wedding and moved into the wing of my Dad's family home.
As a child it was quite novel to have such different grandparents. At one house we'd fight with our cousins for the battered biscuit tin, not wanting to be left with the crumbs. Tea was had in mugs and we'd always have chips for dinner.
At the other house we'd be served tea, while sitting very quietly in the lounge. Tea was poured from the tea pot into bone china cups and saucers, one never had biscuits with tea, let alone dream of dunking.
Both my grandmothers like being called Nanny, both extremely lovely, always knew what we liked and didn't and always had great gardens. One garden was very formal, perfectly manicured, the flowers were used for arrangements in Church and at WI. The other was packed with strawberries, cucumbers and runner beans (brilliant for hiding in).
I only had one Grandfather, he drove a Bentley and smoked fat cigars, he was a terrific Grandfather. In his office, he would let us twirl round and round in his huge leather chair and kept one of the drawers of his desk full of sweets and chocolate for when we called in to see him.
My Dad told us a story about his parents having a huge row on the doorstep of their enormous house when he was a little boy. My grandmother was stood in the doorway shouting at my grandfather and he was shouting back. My Dad, the youngest and smallest was hiding behind his mother with his two sisters. The row got more heated, the children joined in, one of them had the bright idea to throw the shoes in the hall at their father. My Dad said for years he had no idea what he'd done, but the row stopped fairly soon after that.
My Dad had been throwing shoes as hard as he could over his mothers' head at his father. There were plenty of shoes, with five of them in the house and he kept at it until the shouting stopped. Apparently he was too small to throw very high and each shoe hit my grandmother on the back of her head.
My father always hated his sisters, there would be wild fury in his eyes when ever their names were mentioned. When fairly small they dressed him in a pink tutu and hung him upside down out the upstairs window.
I think these things truly had an effect on his mercurial character later in life, in fact his sister said only a few weeks ago, that their mother had often commented that it might have been better to have dropped him after all...