Global Warming

Last night,in my official capacity as Chairperson of Friends, I welcomed a Professor of Glaciology to the school and introduced her to a group of attentive parents and students. Also among the audience were a group of boys from the boys school, privately invited for the Lecture entitled "The Effects of global Warming on the Arctic".
The Lecture was to be held in the Bar.
I think I may have to report them to Trading Standards.
The term Bar refers to the ballet bar all along the wall rather than the type of room I imagined would serve an excellent Claret. A number of us were very disappointed.

The Lecture was actually really good. The students helped make an 'ice flow' experiment which worked perfectly.

We were shown a photograph of the tent the Professor lived in for three months when in the Arctic. Now either she was really clever and had discovered the true theory of time and relative dimension in space, or that tent didn't have an en-suite.(OHMYGOD!)

Around halfway through, thankfully after I had extinguished the lights, a slide appeared on the screen highlighting an illustrative map of the contours formed by heat on an iceberg. It was the exact same shape as the male genitalia. I looked at the floor, frowning and trying not to laugh, but the boys in front of me obviously thought exactly the same thing. They struggled to stifle their giggles and their shoulders shook for some time as they laughed. I hoped the lights wouldn't be required to go back on for some time.

After the Lecture some intriguing questions were put forward by the girls.
Then a parent asked a few questions.
He hogged the floor for some time even ignoring the obvious hand waving from the Head that she'd like to ask a question. He was obviously prepared to heckle for some hours that Global warming is total nonsense and the audible groans from the students each time he put another argument forward were becoming cringingly obvious.
The students started to laugh and everyone was getting twitchy, I got signal across the room from a Head of Year in the form of fingers across the throat and a look of panic, from the Bursar.
Totally out of my depth I leaped up and Thanked the Professor very loudly, thrusting a beautiful bouquet of (eco-friendly and environmentally sourced) flowers at her.
The Professor looked a little stunned and the man glared at me.
The audience heaved a sigh of relief.

As I left the school I realised I was following the Professor in her small and low-emission car. She was lost and had pulled over to look at her map, so, being the people person I am, I went to her rescue, and show her how to get back to Swansea.

Me: "Shall I tell you how to get onto the dual carriageway?"
Professor of Glaciology: "Yes please"
Me: "Go up to the traffic lights, turn right and when you get to the roundabout, turn right towards Newport"
Professor " Brilliant, Thanks"
Me " No problem..right at the lights, right at the roundabout"
Professor of Glaciology: "Thanks"

She drove off.
Straight through the traffic lights and up towards school again.... (sigh!)

Balls

Unless this is the first time you've read my Blog you will be quite used to my heights of stupidity and the daft things that go on in our lives at Camp Frog.
I am currently the Chairperson of the Friends association at my eldest daughters' lovely school. When I took the post on I tried to dissuade the committee because I felt I wasn't sensible enough, but here I am, voted in.
The first meeting I Chaired was very scary, I had no Agenda to refer to, just some previous minutes. I was glad to be able to draw on my improvisation techniques learnt in Drama at college.
I was asked to contact a Professor of Glaciology (is there such a thing?)to confirm the Lecture she will be giving at school. I felt a little concerned that no-one seemed to have actually ever spoken to her. Thank goodness for Google, I say. I found her, she's coming, I've even spoken to her, now comes the problem of what do you give a Professor of Glaciology as a Thank you gift? A scarf? Heck it's a tricky one.
Then there's the matter of our Ball. Our new Head desired a Ball in the marquee after Speech Day.
Hurrah! thought I.
Oh no! As Chairperson I have to organise it.(OHMYGOD!)
Not only that but I have to attend it!!
Darling Husband will have to come with me (no you can't wear your John Deere waistcoat)
Now I am a Frog with very little brain, and had no idea where on earth to start.
Cue the help of four fab ladies in the know, proper private school parents, ones who no doubt already own a number a ballgowns. I doubt my fuschia Hunter Wellies will cut it...even if I do scrub them clean!

We've had very civilised meetings in the Bursars office, and kept in touch via email.
I managed to email a fashion agent in BlackHeath instead of one of the lovely ladies to confirm a table booking, phew, could have been embaressing on the night.

The Head Chef has presented us with sample dishes for the Ball, all yummy, but one served in a peculiar way and I was not sure how to explain I wasn't happy with it.
Bursar "You think it looks like dog poo don't you?"
Me " Erm, yes, can't we have it served in ramekins?"

Next meeting we have a wine company coming in to let us taste their wares.
As Dulwich Mum would say, 'What a hoot!'.
My one relief is that I don't have to stand up and say anything at the Ball, I just can't let people know how daft I really am!
So, can anyone lend me a posh frock?

Ive been given two awards!! How marvellous!!
This one from my friend Potty Mummy

'This award focuses not on the glory and fanfare of blogging, but in the PROXIMITY to one another through this online-world. This blog invests and believes in the PROXIMITY--nearness in space, time and relationships. These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement! '

And this one from Off the Wall.


What lovely ladies (what super taste!), and what bad manners I have not thanking them before, sorry, but Thank you.
I've hardly blogged for ages, guess what/ partying? Oh yes..big time, but that's for another post.
Today I want to tell you about taking my children and nieces (6 girls) to a famous film location in order that they soak up the atmosphere and culture, hoping it might benefit their future awareness and understanding of this modern world we live in.
Yes, yesterday I took them to the very spot where Dave coaches picked up Stacey and Nessa, yep we went to Barry Island (OHMYGOD!!)

My intention was just to go to the new Playcentre there (Coconuts) but the only way we could get six girls to stop playing and finally leave was to say we'd take them to the beach on the way home. So I shall be putting in a complaint with the management of the said Playcentre for making it interesting enough to keep six fussy madams happy for at least three hours, what's that all about? Usually 5 minutes of playing, a bit of eating, drinking and moaning and then they want to go!!

I was so grateful our playcentre lunch was good, the smell of chips mixed with sweet Candy Rock at Barry Island was definitely iffy. The beach looked like a nasty dog show, specimens of Staffordshire Bull terriers tugged at their leads, foaming at the mouth and urinating everywhere.
One or two people were immaculately dressed and enjoying the scene, one or two donned hooped golden earrings thicker than their thighs and had visible signs of straightener abuse about their bleached locks. It was scary and I had to suppress my growing urge to shout 'O'.

The air was full of the sound of slot machines and arcade games, we didn't stay long.
The girls each had a ice-cream to warm themselves up before we left.
My middle niece spent half an hour extracting every grain of sand from between her toes, with precision to be admired (...ahem!).

We drove home eating a healthy choice of snacks: candy floss and last years' rock (it was soft), having had a great day out.

And I will try to keep up from now on, sorry, I'm such a busy bee - I mean Frog!

Permanent Party

OK we're still recovering from all the Parties (I'm with you Grit).
The first gathering pre-Christmas was with a namesake family (Frog is such a popular name in Wales). They came with only three of their children, The two eldest ate and then disappeared to a bedroom to gossip, the middle two made dens and played hide and seek (mainly in my airing cupcoard, and the two small ones dismantled the bottom bunk and were sliding down the mattress like a ramp.
Oh the joy I felt, knowing my lady that does had only been in that very day to transform our home into civilisation - how quickly it was demolished.
The taller people stayed downstairs and played hilarious games.

Shirl came the next day for Sunday Lunch..I'd rather not talk about it.

Then we had friends over for a whole day, in fact they stayed until the next morning. We played hilarious games and spent much of the day speaking in Gavin and Stacey language and ordering Gnocchi...I think you probably had to be there.


Ah, then my wonderful friend, beautiful wife, and Godsons arrived.
We served leftovers..a rib of Aberdeen Angus (home produced), a joint of free range rare breed pork (home produced), free range turkey (from friends along the road), bread (home made) cheese, salad and wine..it was terrific!
We played hilarious games and laughed till we cried, it was brill.

Our lovely friends phoned and said their student daughter was having a wild party so we could cook them dinner at our house and have the pleasure of their company. We were very excited, we have so many nice friends and always have brilliant fun, but these two make us laugh so much.
He went to a girls school (no, really) and was a house husband when the children were younger. His voice is very deep and manly so it's quite hard to imagine.
She gives presentations to very important people on Alternative Energy, and has 40 staff, she's very focused and quite high powered.
But...when they come to our house she turns into a giggle monster (a lovely one, I have to say) and he just smiles and talks and laughs and is quite frankly the perfect dinner guest.
And so, we ate lots and drank wine and talked about 'stuff'.
Our lady friend confessed once how, when she feels down and stressed at work, she reads the accident book to cheer herself up. There's some great ones in there.."Walked into a filing cabinet" for instance.
We laughed and laughed and with the aid of paper and pencils and played funny games until we told them they had to go because my stomach and sides hurt so badly. I had tears rolling down my cheeks and was coughing and spluttering with laughter.
They made like Elvis (and left the building)...it was exceptionally cold, ice everywhere. Darling Husband could be heard howling with laughter and staggering around holding his stomach.
Our friends had walked outside and on seeing the ice 'she' (lovely person) proceeded to scrape the ice off our car instead of theirs by mistake!!
I just can't tell you how funny it was.
I want you all to know I hurt all the next day too.

And finally, our eldest daughter celebrated her 14th Birthday (OHMYGOD!!).
We had a few friends and relations round for a tea party (it's beginning to feel like Bloody Winnie the Pooh stories..I need a Hundred Acre kitchen).
All the children aged between 5 and 56 played pass the parcel, with much cheating and pouting.
The children aged between 5 and 23 played musical statues and musical bumps.
I cooked tons of food, which soon disappeared and put the dishwasher on three times during the evening!!
Then we got the paper and pencils out for more nonsense games.

We are well and truly partied out at Camp Frog, and by golly we've had such a good time!

Wishing you a very Happy Christmas..

We've had much celebrating and frivolity this Festive Season.
The Frog in the Field Office Party was an occasion to be remembered.
Our non-executive breakfast chef (Darling Husband's best friend who turns up with bacon for breakfast when he's not working days) called in sick, so there were only four of us.

Our executive transport arrived spot on time to collect us all, and after a small tussle regarding who was sitting in the front, we were off!
We laughed all the way, and arrived at our venue in perfect time.
After an aperitif, some Newspaper reading and a bit more arguing regarding seating arrangements we selected from the menu.

We sat and pulled our crackers (we knew how to have a good time) and I took the lead reading out my joke:
" What do you call someone who buys presents for pets?"
Answer: "Santa Paws"
Everyone groaned.
Darling Husband read his joke out:
" What do you call someone who buys presents for pets?"
Answer: "Santa Paws"
We laughed
Household cavalry read hers out:
" What do you call someone who buys presents for pets?"
Answer: "Santa Paws"
We laughed a lot.
Fourth member of our party (Brother-in-Law) read his joke out:
" What do you call someone who buys presents for pets?"
Answer: "Santa Paws"

We were in hysterics, totally helpless!

"Hats on!" said my Brother-in-Law.
Darling Husband and his Brother donned their paper hats perfectly.
My hat had a diameter of a large tea-cup and our Household Cavalry just had one long strip of zig-zaggy paper which she draped across her head.

We were in hysterics, again.

Lunch arrived, beautifully presented.
The waitress asked : "is your lunch ok even though the crackers were crap?"
Thank goodness we had booked such an upmarket establishment for our festive treat, goodness knows what sort of people might have waited on us if we hadn't!

We ate our main course, during which the waitress/barmaid went home, and were pleasantly surprised to hear a man start playing guitar and singing really well behind us. It was lovely. We turned to see one man sat on the bar stool singing with feeling, while another gentleman sat not too far away on a table for one.

He said "He's not singing to me!!"
More hysterics...I asked if we were interrupting something..

We started thinking about pudding and noticed the chef leaving.
The bar lights had been switched off and even the man playing guitar had stopped.

Ah..better leave then...
We paid up and wandered out into the cold winter air deciding to take a stroll while we waiting for our executive transport to collect us.
We walked into the castle grounds passing a sign that said:
"No guide dogs or hearing dogs except for the deaf"
That didn't seem terribly fair to me, but I suppose those who were blind wouldn't know they were being discriminated against because it wasn't in Brail.

Our transport arrived and the driver suggested a slight detour to another quality hostelry for another drink before we were driven home. After a slight tussle for the front seat we settled in and each told our cracker joke to the very kind person driving who of course wished they weren't in our company at all.

The next venue was a total let down, the bar was open , they were welcoming, everything was perfect and therefore not so funny, but all in all we had a great time!

And so..here's a silly poem:

It's Christmas Eve
All is quiet
When the girls wake up
there'll be a riot
They are so excited
They can't keep still
They are squealing and running
(Making me feel ill)
Time is dragging,
they just can't wait
Is that a rattling on the slate?

I wish you a Happy Christmas
Full of Smiles, Love and Cheer,
Chocolate and oranges,
Turkey Sandwiches and Beer.
But most of all
I wish you peace and goodwill
(Keep the turkey well chilled to make sure you're not ill).
Frog
x

Bah! Humbug!

Well Merry Christmas Everyone!
We're very excited in the Frog house, our 11ft real Christmas tree is up and looking good. Father Christmas is the topic of the moment and the children eagerly look forward to their Uncle arriving on Christmas Eve with some carrots and a bucket of oats, sometimes a small net of hay. He makes a fuss of showing them the reindeer food and assures them it's freezing outside, they rush into the sitting room and listen for him to climb onto the roof (he throws sticks up there I think) to put the food in place and then rush to talk at him, all three at once while he has a congratulatory cup of tea and mince pie. He loves it, they love it.

This year a miserable supply teacher has been told not to return to one primary school after she told a class of seven-year-olds that Santa Claus did not exist!!

Children at Blackshaw Lane Primary School in Oldham were talking about Christmas when the teacher came out with the news.

Father Christmas was not responsible for delivering their presents on Christmas Eve, the pupils were taught. The teacher, who had been drafted in for just the day, has now been told not to come back and I'm glad that action was taken. Life is tough and we're a long time grown up, why spoil a little childhood magic? It achieves nothing but disappointment.

Frog in the Field has been extremely busy, I'm happy to say. Frog headquarters has been hopping with orders and this year I've had one or two excellent complaints which I'd like to share with you.

The first was a great comment about how in the web site photograph three products were featured, but only two arrived.

I replied: "Dear Mr A,
we were disappointed to see your negative feedback on Amazon regarding the service received from Frog in the Field.
May we please draw your attention to the technical details which clearly state the price is for two products.
We respectfully request you withdraw your negative feedback owing to this not being our error.
Negative feedback has a detrimental effect on business and the ability to trade on Amazon.
I very much hope you will honour this request.
Kind regards"


I got a fantastic reply:"Hi,

I understand your concerns, and acknowledge that the detailed technical small print does in fact indicate the price is for two products. I will therefore remove my negative feedback on the condition that you change the picture on Amazon, which is much more obvious and has three products in it. I could understand if it had one item, showing the product, or two showing the number you get, but I do think that most people would assume that they would get three of these by looking at the picture, and not realise they needed to check the small print.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Regards "

How much was the item? And what was it?
Well, it was a skull & crossbone temporary tattoo costing 50p.

The next one was great too:

The customer left feedback which read something like: 'Poor quality, not worth the money, postage costs far too high'

I responded
"Dear Mrs Rymer,
We are most disappointed to read your negative comments on Amazon regarding the toy microphone you purchased. I'm very sorry you were unhappy with the quality, may I suggest you return the item to us for a full refund? Unfortunately one cannot expect a fully functioning microphone for £1.50.
I would have very much appreciated you contacting me directly regarding your concerns than put negative feedback onto the site. I have not been given the opportunity to resolve the issues with you.

The P&P costs are not excessive for the item (£1.50). The Royal Mail charges us 95p Second Class or £1.14 First Class.
The item has to be picked from stock handwrapped and also packed into an envelope and then two stickers have to be printed to put on the parcel, the item is then taken to a collection point, all these steps are labour intensive and have cost implications.

I very much hope you will reconsider your comments and remove them.
Your sincerely,"

Both customers have now removed their feedback and I have a great selling record again....what is wrong with people?
I also had a request to give a refund on a sheep keyring (£1.50) because it was a no longer needed Christmas Present...what was the scenario there?
"Algernon! how could you?
I simply don't like it!"

Bets are being taken on what my present will be from Shirl this year. I wanted to give her a 2008 Calender but Darling Husband won't let me, the pictures are fabulous and he wants to keep it, damn he's so mean to me!

But today is the Frog in the Field Office Party...yippee!!
I look forward to slurring ribbits all afternoon and eating far too much lunch.
Must go and get glammed up now (wash my wellies).

Frog (hic!)
x