Toadal Chaos

The day promised to be an interesting one, but not in the way I had hoped.
Only two children were home ill, that was an improvement.
The sun was shining, but Darling Husband and I had had very little sleep. One little girl got in bed with us during the night and took up two thirds of the bed, thrashing about and coughing with perfect aim into our faces whenever possible.
The eldest daughter also got in bed with us, she's now the same size as me, and joined us on the remaining third of the bed...it was not the most comfortable night.
Why didn't one of us get out and get in their beds you ask? Couldn't move, just too tired.
Middle daughter skipped off to school, bouncy happily and giggling about something unknown to the general human race. I promised to take her lunch up to school as soon as the bread was made.
I had an hour long meeting here at 9.30, the cough monster had an appointment to see the doctor at 10.30 and Darling Husband was to have the pleasure of taking her in. He rushed off to look at all his pregnant cows and heiffers. I washed to utility room floor and all was going splendidly.
My 9.30 soon became 9.40, the milkman crept in and quietly made himself coffee. He looked at me suspiciously and asked the eldest daughter who I was talking to.
Darling husband whisked the sick one and eldest one out into the car and off to town (usually the car is as close to town as he likes to get).
My meeting finished bang on time, the phone rang ..
My brother in law asked me why I'd phoned him, "I haven't phoned you"..Oh.
The phone rang, "Mummy there's a cow calving right down at Rhd-y-go, and we can't get through to brother in law, can you find him as quickly as possible".
(huge sigh)
I rang brother in law back, he'd made like Elvis and left the building.
I ran outside to get in the car and find him...Darling Husband had the car, I considered the Landrover, but I'm not brave enough to open the door let alone sit in it anymore, I think it contains more topsoil and muck than half our fields.
I ran up the lane gracefully in my fuchsia Hunters and shouted 'calving trouble, taking your car' to my Mother in Law.
Brother in Law had disappeared, bugger!
I drove back to our house and abandoned the car in the middle of the lane, in complete panic.
Now, I really, really am Farmers wife in title only, I know nothing! I ran down the old lane towards where the cow was....she'd gone...double panic.
I looked across the valley at the nearest herd and saw one hiding in the bushes. That was her, munching away, quite happily, making no effort whatsoever to give birth, and she obviously was going to need pretty quick intervention.
I turned to go back up to the house and try and phone another brother in law, farmer friend, vet. My heart sank, the most direct route had an incline of 10ft in one, oh my goodness, it was steep. I felt like I'd conquered Everest and certainly looked as though I had by the time I reached the house. I made a heavy breathing phone call to another brother in law who immediately rushed to help.
Meanwhile a large van arrived outside with a delivery of particularly lovely plush finger puppets. The van turned, but my awful parking obviously had an impact because the van drove straight into a deep ditch.
So to update you, there's a cow in need of assistance ('cos she ain't doing it), no men when you need one, the lane is blocked by two bad examples of female driving, AND, I still hadn't had a decent cup of tea.
The posse arrived and administered cow-type help, then they pulled the van out of the ditch. Very small daughter has been diagnosed with a severe chest infection and the eldest one still needs a blood test but we can't get any out of her because she's a vampire and they take blood not give it!
Darling husband came in from van pulling and walked through the house in his pants and socks....!!! Erm, Darling, why do you have no clothes on after rescuing that lady driver??? It seems he got rather messy with the cow, nice.
I suddenly realised it was lunchtime, and middle daughter had not had her lunch delivered to school, I phoned the school to profess our cacophony of mishaps and could someone please allow her school lunch?

Can someone please take me back to my room??