Tuesday, 3 March 2009

Global Warming



Last night,in my official capacity as Chairperson of Friends, I welcomed a Professor of Glaciology to the school and introduced her to a group of attentive parents and students. Also among the audience were a group of boys from the boys school, privately invited for the Lecture entitled "The Effects of global Warming on the Arctic".
The Lecture was to be held in the Bar.
I think I may have to report them to Trading Standards.
The term Bar refers to the ballet bar all along the wall rather than the type of room I imagined would serve an excellent Claret. A number of us were very disappointed.

The Lecture was actually really good. The students helped make an 'ice flow' experiment which worked perfectly.

We were shown a photograph of the tent the Professor lived in for three months when in the Arctic. Now either she was really clever and had discovered the true theory of time and relative dimension in space, or that tent didn't have an en-suite.(OHMYGOD!)

Around halfway through, thankfully after I had extinguished the lights, a slide appeared on the screen highlighting an illustrative map of the contours formed by heat on an iceberg. It was the exact same shape as the male genitalia. I looked at the floor, frowning and trying not to laugh, but the boys in front of me obviously thought exactly the same thing. They struggled to stifle their giggles and their shoulders shook for some time as they laughed. I hoped the lights wouldn't be required to go back on for some time.

After the Lecture some intriguing questions were put forward by the girls.
Then a parent asked a few questions.
He hogged the floor for some time even ignoring the obvious hand waving from the Head that she'd like to ask a question. He was obviously prepared to heckle for some hours that Global warming is total nonsense and the audible groans from the students each time he put another argument forward were becoming cringingly obvious.
The students started to laugh and everyone was getting twitchy, I got signal across the room from a Head of Year in the form of fingers across the throat and a look of panic, from the Bursar.
Totally out of my depth I leaped up and Thanked the Professor very loudly, thrusting a beautiful bouquet of (eco-friendly and environmentally sourced) flowers at her.
The Professor looked a little stunned and the man glared at me.
The audience heaved a sigh of relief.

As I left the school I realised I was following the Professor in her small and low-emission car. She was lost and had pulled over to look at her map, so, being the people person I am, I went to her rescue, and show her how to get back to Swansea.

Me: "Shall I tell you how to get onto the dual carriageway?"
Professor of Glaciology: "Yes please"
Me: "Go up to the traffic lights, turn right and when you get to the roundabout, turn right towards Newport"
Professor " Brilliant, Thanks"
Me " No problem..right at the lights, right at the roundabout"
Professor of Glaciology: "Thanks"

She drove off.
Straight through the traffic lights and up towards school again.... (sigh!)

12 comments:

Kitschen Pink said...

To survive the arctic in a tent only to perish trying to get to Swansea...tragic. t.x

Potty Mummy said...

KP! Have you been reading my mind again? That was just what I was about to say, dammit!

rosiescribble said...

How amusing that somesome so interested in all things geographical should have no sense of direction!

You are going to post that illustative map on your blog aren't you? Please!

Arcadian Advocate said...

I am still laughing now.. at 6.40 in the morning.. you are a star for telling us all this!

family affairs said...

Well done for taking on such an important role!! Brilliant Lx

muddyboots said...

sounds a truly memorable night, a tent in the arctic, no thank you - but l guess it is easier to navigate in a barren landscape no traffic lights, as for the heckler; why is it that there is always one?

nappy valley girl said...

Great story....

So what were the 'intriguing questions' put forward by the girls? They didn't by any chance refer to THAT slide, did they?

Suffolkmum said...

Goes to show you'd be an ace explorer ... sounds a bit cold to me though. I'd have been sniggering along with those boys too.

Frog in the Field said...

Kp I apologise for the emotional outburst of Potty Mummy, she's very stressed at the mo'

Rosie I don't have a copy of it, sorry.

Hello AA, thanks for your comment, glad you enjoyed reading my post.

Hi Family Affairs, I fear the committee will regret appointing me soon.

Hi Muddy Boots...and it's always a man!

NV Girl! The young ladies didn't even snigger..far too polite!

Suffolk Mum, good job you weren't there then, we'd have been thrown out!

Berthddu Suit said...

Always the same, the clever ones just never have any of that old fashioned common sense!!

Bee said...

Poor glaciologist -- I empathize with having to put up with difficult men and the affliction of no sense of direction!

Sun at Midnight by Rosie Thomas is a good (fictional) book set in Antartica. Imagine going down for a long research session and discovering that you are pregnant while you are there. I found it gripping.

Thanks for vising me . . . I enjoyed having a look at your blog, too.

Iota said...

Aw shame. I wanted to see that genitalia map too.