Cars & Bras

My nephew is the most gorgeous young man ever (excluding my Godson and his bro).
He's 8ft 6" (The Vampire says he's 10ft 9") and has hair like Sideshow Bob.
He's just finished a masters degree in something terribly exciting that starts with Geo-..
Nephew was invited to join the medics he had shared a house with for three years after they finished their work stint in India, we were worried, Nephew booked his ticket.
He journeyed to London to sort out his visa.
All went as planned and being a Country boy, called a friend and asked, what should I do to kill a bit of time?
The young lady in question sent him to look at the longest escalator in the world!#!!
Why (splutter) would you even mention that if you were female, to a chap?...were there not better things to see in the great capital?
Anyway, Nephew went to see the escalator, and thought it was really cool(speechless).

He left for India.
The first email we had said:
"on the way over we hit turbulence and dropped miles and a mans' dinner floated over the seat in front and i got showered with rice( a bit scary )!"

The next email read:
"the Taj Mahal was amazing. Rhys trod on a cobra when we were playing golf there. I had a monkey jump on me at some temple like on the jungle book."

He did a camel trek in the desert and slept on the sand under the stars, he had the most fabulously awesome time. He even bribed a zoo-keeper to get closer to the Tigers while they were being fed (why would anyone do that?).

Back at home, while he was away, another adventure was happening on a very quiet still night. We don't get light pollution here, so on a clear night you can see all the stars and mountains lit up from behind by the South Wales City of Newport. It's also very quiet, just the sound of animals munching, breathing..crickets in the hedgerows.

My Sister in Law woke when she heard a noise outside and rushed to the window, it was around 2am.
My Nephews' car was disappearing down the road.
She shouted to her Husband and says she's not seen him move so fast in thirty years. He gave chase in their other car, clad in only his pj's and slippers.
My niece woke upon hearing all the commotion and got dressed while my SIL phoned the Police.
Now it just so happens that my Nephew's car runs on gas, and only starts the engine on diesel, so within a mile the car thief had conked out and was just puzzling over the problem when my Brother-in-Law ripped the car door open and snatched the keys from the ignition!! There was a bit of a tugging and to-ing and fro-ing with the car door (and I suspect some eloquently choice words) until the the light fingered fellow pushed hard on the door from the inside, throwing my Brother-in-Law into the hedge!! Then the scallywag made a run for it while my Brother-in-Law unhooked himself from the foliage, probably very grateful that he'd had any pj's on at all.
Brother-in-Law returned home with one slipper and collected my niece who helped to retrieve the stolen vehicle.
Meanwhile, what was my sister in law doing?
Well somehow, in all the excitement she'd managed to put two bra's on and when she tried to take one off it was the underneath one and she'd got in a complete knot...

I just give up, I really do.

Harvest Festival

This week we had the Primary School Harvest Festival in one of our beautiful local churches. It was a crisp, sunny Autumnal morning.
The children streamed into the church, class by class, some pushing and shoving, some grinning, some sucking thumbs.
The parents packed out the back of the church and the vicar welcomed us all to such a lovely occasion.

The orchestra struck up a light rendition of "Always take the weather with you", the saxophones and violins joined the throng and it was a light tune no longer. The volume of the extra instruments drowned out the others and the timing went totally to pieces. The rosy cheeked singers began to look flustered, but battled on.
Darling Husband and I shook with laughter, two Mums behind us made strange wheezing and whining noises, thankfully drowned out by the sax.

For Daughter number 3, this was her first experience of being involved in a Harvest Festival. Of course she had attended to watch her bigger sisters in previous years. The last one was 2006.
Our Head doesn't encourage pre-school children at these events because she feels the noises they make can be off-putting for their older siblings. Parents of course, ignore the advise saying their poppets will behave in an exemplary manner.
I was fortunate to never get 'the look' from the Head mainly because I always waited to go into Church last and stand next to the door, so I could leave the minute there was the slightest grumble.
But alas, all good plans...
In 2006 I waited to go in last, chatting to the Vicar.
The Vampire was with us because she had a day off her new school for some reason(she left Primary a year early), but all her classmates (46 of them were there).
We walked in together and I stood by the door, squashed with other parents.
All 46 of the Vampires classmates started whispering her name loudly.
The Head frowned. (It was not the thing to do, taking her out a year early)

Mr Vicar "Ah, Frog, don't stand there with daughter number three, come up to the choir stalls with me"
Oh, so I was taken by the man himself, paraded past the Head (frowning) and sat behind the pulpit.
Whew, I was out of sight of the Head, Daughter number three could wriggle and make a bit of noise and I'd be ok, but I was a bit bothered about being so far from the door in case of screaming.
The children all did their stuff beautifully, and often out of tune.
The vicar teased Daughter number three and was no help whatsoever on the discipline front.
But the finale, oh, it was good.
A very lovely lady from the village (My old Economics teacher at Grammar School) asked to stand next to the pulpit and congratulate the children on money raised for a well-fund in Africa. She talked eloquently about the children it would help and the whole Church fell silent to hang on her every word.
Daughter number three decided it was time to go and leapt from my lap.
She marched up directly behind lovely lady ex-teacher and shouted 'HA!!' while doing a star jump.
Vicar laughed hysterically
Vampire choked and spluttered
Daughter number three grinned (while being yanked sideways)
Lovely Lady took no notice whatsoever
Head frowned.

A lovely Blogging buddy asked me a few weeks ago, "is what you say on your Blog about your mother true?"
It's all true....all my stories are true, in camp Frog there's no need to exaggerate.

Ever the Diplomat...

I've been asked to consider taking on the position of Chairperson of the school Friends Committee. I was slightly ever so flabberghasted by this and could only squeak: "I'm not sure I'm sensible enough".
I don't know the new Head, the Bursar scares me and what if I say something stupid out loud?
The Vampire told me to go for it, "I mean what can be so bad about it?"
Me: "I might say something stupid"
The Vampire "Yes, true...you'll have to learn to be diplomatic"

Yes, that's all very well, but this is me, and I'm not so sure I'm really capable.
Here's an example, (click here) and this was cut and pasted from genuine emails.


I asked a friend what she thought..."Don't do it, it'll be a disaster"

I asked my bag lady with whom I have an excellent working relationship..."You'll be brilliant, I've never met anyone with so much....."...I've no idea what she said now because I was a bit shocked, again, but she thought I'd be fine.

I asked Darling Husband what he thought.
"Friends? Pah! You should have sat in on my bloody village meeting last night, we should call it enemies...so negative! you just wouldn't believe the moaning...mutter, mutter"

I decided to try my best, "I'll do it", I told the present Chairperson, I'll try really hard to behave myself".
"Great! Thanks" he said.

So today I sat here,at my desk working diligently preparing for the hard slog of Christmas Trade that starts in 6 weeks and the phone rang.
It was from a lovely company I have worked hard with this summer preparing their new range of party bags and we are just waiting on the web page...have been waiting on the web page for around 6 weeks. We chatted, finalised matters, and then she said:
"By the way, Kevin (geek of slow speed) can read every email you send to us"

OHMYGOD!!
aarggh!!

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I had no idea, if only I'd known I'd never have..."
The phone signal was lost and I felt rather undiplomatic in the highest order.
Here's what I'd written:

"Have you seen what he's done?

What's he playing at? He got the new photos the other day, but has just changed the order and resized the crap pics!!
Do I have permission to go and slap him?
Don't forward this email to him......I know what you're like (Ha Ha!)"

Oh the shame!
What are my chances of getting a book deal on the Title "How to make friends & influence people"

ps. He shaped up pretty quickly after he saw that though!

True Stories...and there's more to come!

I had a night out with some friends.
We went to a super fab gastro-pub which is THE place to go at present. I was salivating at the thought of it. I was driving, so declared myself out of the wine affair for the evening.
Wine was chosen.
Wine was brought.
Wine was hated and sent back, with a toss of the head and flick of the hand.
Wine was brought back (with impeccable manners and perfect service) and it was gently explained to my co-diners that madam is mistaken, the wine is not corked.
We ate dinner and they begrudgingly sipped the vino.
The waiter returned...I felt like a pelican (I had a huge bill in front of me).
Me: "Did you know how much that wine was when you ordered it?
Diner 1.."yes, well I was struggling to find anything decent"
Me: "Yes, but" I was spluttering now with shock "did you know how much it was?"
Diner 2 "Let me see the bill...hmm, yes I'm not surprised"
The waiter arrived to take our money and said he hoped we had enjoyed our dinner.
Me "Lovely, Thank you"
Diner 1 : "Fine Thank you"
Diner 2 looked straight into his eyes and said : "The food was lovely, but your wine is s**t"
OHMYGOD!!!!

How much was the wine you ask?
£38.00
We dropped off Diner 1 and I asked Diner 2 again.."did you really know how much that wine was when it was ordered?"
Diner 2 "I didn't have a clue!"
OHMYGOD!! snigger!
Darling Husband: "How was your night out?"
I told him.
Darling Husband "OHMYGOD!!"

My sister called by to shower the girls with gifts from the Maldives (humph!) and announced she was taking a keep fit lesson this week.
When she said taking, she meant she's the head honcho, in command, top dog!
Darling daughter number three was excited to tell how she has started ballet (me with a daughter going to ballet???).
Sister instantly sprang into pose wanting to show her ballet moves she uses for keep fit.
"Look, like this, hold your arms like...oh, I can't do it very well in my wellies.."
That's going to be a keep fit class worth going to, obviously.

Last Friday I bought a Chargrill Chicken sandwich from Greggs and then drove on to Bristol.
Halfway there, I went to take a bite and discovered no chicken in my chicken sandwich (well of course I pulled over, you really don't think I'd be eating whilst driving do you? I mean..that's illegal!).
So, I continued my journey and decided to return the said sandwich on my next visit into town for a refund.
I came home after the shops had shut, did the weekend things and then, on Monday returned to Greggs after picking up all the children from various educational facilities.

Me: "Hello, I bought this sandwich on Friday and thought I'd better keep it to show you...there's no chicken in it and there should have been. Could I have my money back please?"

Young male assistant "Oh, um, er, I'll, um just go and ask ...."

Female Bakery assistant of senior level (and boy, didn't SHE know it):
She didn't say anything for a moment.
She looked me up and down very slowly from my head to my feet and back again, with the contempt that only a senior level bakery counter assistant could muster.
Sneering slowly "You bought this on Friday..............and you've JUST noticed there's no chicken init?"

We laughed all the way home.

And people wonder why I don't like going to town?

New Term...when are the holidays?

And so here we are, just starting the second week of school.
Some things have changed in camp Frog, others things remain the same.
Daughter number three has started school, my (almost)14 years as full time Mum are over.

Daughter number two has a new teacher and is rather scared of her, so that means another year of amazing excuses to try and get out of it every day.

The Vampire loves school, ever the swot (don't know where on earth she gets it from) but has a new Head...she's missing the old one.
New term, new regime...healthier lunches. No school dinners where the smackeral of something lovely is the only thing eaten and one's children arrive home like savages in tempers.
Now all tempers are lovely and happy and I'm certain their food has something to do with it. So..
6am the vampire pokes at me until I get out of bed.
I get dressed (I think) and line up the sandwich boxes.
Empty the dishwasher.
Potatoes are peeled and cook while I get fresh salad stuff from the paddy field that was our cottage garden.
I wash and chop up fresh salad, prepare potato salad, slice cold (home-produced) pork and throw it all in the boxes.
Then I prepare the fresh fruit salad..ugh.
The mountain of peelings go into the pig food bowl (which is enormous).
Darling Husband then drives the vampire to school in his toolbox, I can't see it's a car any longer, it contains gateposts and John Deere filters and other odd bits and pieces.
The vampire strongly protests because there was a bottle of Bud broken by daughter number two in the 'car' and now she's concerned that she'll smell of beer in school.
Then I poke the other two girls until they get out of bed.
Answer the phone and listen to the vampire plead with me to drive her lunch into school...again!
I heat Baked beans for daughter number, she eats one spoon and says she doesn't like them.
Cheerios in a bowl..she eats one spoonful and says she doesn't like them.
Fresh pancakes? no
Rice Krispies? no
Argghhh!
Daughter number three, the new girl gets up, puts her uniform on, brushes her own hair (gasp!), puts shoes on the right feet and gets her book bag ready...perfect!
Darling husband arrives home in time to take the other two to the school bus and strap them in.
I feed the piggies
Empty the washing machine
Load the washing machine
Load the dishwasher
9am....
I'm shattered.

Our lady that does (otherwise known as the household cavalry, it's usually a fight just to get from one side of the kitchen to another) arrived and was delighted to be told Darling Husband had purchased a new vacuum. She hated the old one and was so happy when it finally fell to pieces.
The milkman arrived.
I stayed outside chatting to him while Darling Husband bravely brought our lovely lady that does, inside and broke the news that yes, he had indeed, against all her pleading, purchased another Dyson.
The milkman left.
I entered the kitchen and noticed Darling Husband was still able to walk and was surprised by an apology from our lady.
"Why are you apologising?" I enquired.
"I swore in front of your child, I'm sorry, it's just that hoover..."she pointed at it with an accusatory finger and then muttered "it won't be long before the dog eats it, anyway"
Later they were sat having coffee reading the Hereford Times and discussing the proposed changes to the city centre.

Darling Husband " I don't know why they can't just put it all back to a nice old city instead of trying to make it look like every other place"

our Lady "Yeah,....I hate change"

Darling Husband " I know, that's why I bought a Dyson.."
Silence.

Another True Story

There's trouble at camp Frog today.
Our daughter dissolved into floods of tears over her free range rare breed sausages.
"What's the matter darling?"
"Yesterday when Bea asked you if it was true that (sniff), that if you got a bat stuck in your hair, you'd have to have all your hair cut off, you said, no, you'd have to have your head cut off...sob!"
Darling Husband left the room and was heard to be stiffling strange noises as he went outside.
"But darling, surely you know Mummy was just teasing precious Max?"

Darling Husband returned to his breakfast, wiping tears from his eyes, a forced frown on his handsome face.
Darling Husband: "Now you know Mummy talks complete nonsense most of the time, why on earth are you taking her seriously all of a sudden?"

"But you always tell us that you will never tell us lies and we can always trust what you say"

This is all your fault Dulwich Mum....

Tag

Thank you Mean Moody Middleaged Mom, Confused Take That Fan, Not enough Mud and Berthddu Suit for awards, I get all emotional to think someone out there loves this little frog (sniff).
I've also been tagged by said Welsh Blogger to do the following:
supply six random snippets of information about myself.
Tag Rules:
Link to the person who tagged you. Post the rules on the blog. Write six random things about yourself. Tag six people at the end of your post. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

only six? erm, where to start.

1. I once went to an Agricultural Show with Buster Blood Vessel of Bad Manners.

2. I'm married to a beef farmer and my initials are now CJD.

3. I have a tendency to give my pets ridiculous names:
Elvis
Custard
Spot (no spots at all)
Fruitcake
Sprocket
Truffles (Mother in Law thought I said Shovel)

4. Though loyal and generous to my fab chum friends, I never forgive and forget.

5. I have the ability to create the most amazingly awful Trifle ever.

6. I had Blue Hair and looked like something out of Fraggle Rock when at Art College.

I don't know who to tag, so I'll think on it....